And I can't lift you up, my minds tired

Everything in between his hands and the strange color of his hair.
Everything in between tears and screams that don't happen at home any more.
Everything in between the morning tea and the picking on fries at Max.
Everything in between the old streets of lund and the pigeons flying in the sky.
Everything in between the ugly clothes and the stressed out human-being.
Everything in between dirt on the floor and whatever else you might find in that white room.
Everything in between romy's beautiful voice and the melancholic mecano songs.
Everything in between everything you find me.

/whats in between you and everything else?


Can someone

please pity me because the xx are playing in copenhagen in november and i'm probably not going to see them?

I wish someone didn't think they were completely weird so I could go with them and hear coexist live and just die happy.



The most fantastic food in this planet is some good fresh bred, with creamy peanut butter and slices of banana.

My head hurts so I'm going to lay down on the couch with a blanket, drink the rest of my tea and watch The Office before I get some school work done?

I miss you where are you?


growing up

Note: I wrote all this back in february, I don't know why I saved it as a draft and never posted it. Here it is if you're bothered to read the whole thing.

Most of you usually just read what I post, or look at the pictures I take, and every once in a while someone drops a comment, which I very much appreciate.
Last night, after coming back from a lovely dinner with a friend, I started thinking about a couple of things me and her had discussed. I started writing down some simple thoughts and in the end I ended up writing a very very long list.
Today, I received a comment from one of you saying something about how I want to grow up too fast. Stupid me (like usual), deleted the comment by mistake while I was trying to write a reply to it. And there's no way to get it back.

Now I don't even remember exactly what it said. Sigh.

I hope whoever wrote the comment is reading this. I'm sorry, I didn't delete it for the sake of it, I was quite keen on answering it, so I guess that's why I'm writing this in the first place.

Since, I very much feel like writing, I think I will try to explain why exactly I might seem like I want to grow up too fast and somehow give an answer to the anonymous reader.

I usually tend to compare people I meet with myself. I compare their experiences, their everyday lives, their group of friends and their families. I don't really know why I do this, but I guess I do it unconsciously and then think about it later on.
I don't really think of myself as normal. I think I've been through a lot compared to the common European 16-year-old:  Let's say that the past 8 years of my life have been rather chaotic and extremely difficult in one way or another.
I've lived in 4 different countries, where I had to learn 3 different languages, experience 4 different types of cultures and still manage to stay mentally stable.

I guess it was easier when I was younger, my parents did all the work, but it got harder as I got older.
I've had to say good-bye to 3 different generations of friends.

Sometimes I remember their faces or their names, but not much more, and it sucks, because many of them are probably amazing people right now.

I had to learn Portuguese when I was 8 (which I now can only understand) and English when I was 12.
I remember begging my mom to move back to Mexico or Spain, because learning English was far too difficult.

I remember sitting down with dad and taking 20 or so minutes to read two pages in English.

I remember sitting for hours trying to learn the vocabulary for a test in English, crying and telling mom that I just couldn't do it and wanted to leave Sweden.

I remember not understanding a single thing people would say to me.

Now, imagine this happening to you two times in less than 4 years? I haven't actually thought about it, but it really was that way.

I guess it was less difficult in Spain, where I at least spoke the language. I was still introduced to a whole new culture, which I sadly only got to experience for 2 years. I miss it so unbelievably much sometimes.

My parents started having problems in Brazil, I think. Mom had never really liked the idea of moving around and wanted to go back to Mexico. I don't think I noticed their problems back then though, I was probably too little to understand anything.

Later on, I did start to understand that things weren't going too well.

One night, while we were living in Madrid, I was woken up by both my brothers crying. I remember lying in bed, not knowing what to do and trying to listen to what was going on. I think it was around 12 or so, on a Saturday night. I finally got up and went to the living room where my parents and my brothers were sitting. My mom was in tears and my brothers too. I didn't know what was going on and I sat on the couch to hear what my parents had to say.
I remember how me and my brothers just couldn't take the fact that my parents wanted to separate. My brothers were so mad and both my parents were in tears, saying how sorry they were and how much they loved us.I think that's a night I'll never forget.
Shortly after that, dad moved out and started living on his own.

My parents were on and off for a couple of years. Things were okay sometimes, and dad would live with us when things got better. Things were good enough between my parents, so that we all moved together to Sweden in 2008.

I think living here has probably been the hardest. I've had more than enough and I think my life has changed far too much in too many different ways in too little time.

I felt very alone sometimes. Empty inside.

My dad is now remarried to someone I really dislike and I have a little step-brother who I'm not allowed to hold.
In Sweden, I've moved houses about 6 or so times and right now I'm living in a place that I don't quite like.

There's a shit load of issues in between that are far too personal to mention, and involve people other than me. There's so many things I wish I could share, so I could finally feel a little better, so people could tell me it would be alright.

I think I've cried far too much to be this young and I often feel jealous of people because their lives seem so much better, so much easier and so much simpler. But then sometimes I hate people because their lives have been too easy, too good and too simple. I think I feel this way about most Swedish teenagers.

There are definitely many many people out there who have had a much tougher life than me. Those are the people I want to meet and socialize with. People who can teach me and show me how to be better. People who I can gain things from.

After all this, it is very difficult for me to say what I want in life. I am so grateful for all the amazing experiences that I have been through, that have made me grow up so much as a person. But it all makes me so confused.

Fuck it I don't even know why I wrote this, there's too many ways to look at things...Too many different life styles that could've been mine. Too many life styles that I could make mine in the next couple of years.

I guess, anonymous reader, maybe now you understand a little bit more about me. Maybe now you understand why I want certain things and why I hate others. Why "I want to grow up so quickly". Why I very much feel like I've had enough.

AHHHHHHHHH damn it, I'm so confused now. I don't even know what to write anymore. The thoughts in my head go in every possible direction. I would erase all this, but I've been going at it for a while and it would probably be a waste of time not to post it. Whatever, I don't expect anyone to read all of this, it's mostly for myself.

I hope you all don't think I'm some sort of stuck up bitch who thinks she's had a horrible life, because I haven't. It's been amazing, it's just hard not comparing it to other people's lives and writing shit down about it.

ksdfnksdfnksdaf I should stop writing, I make no sense. Sorry. This was a bad idea.



cold days

i wonder if its actually worth it writing all this out on the internet
out for everyone to read¨
and get their little heads inside of mine

it would probably be a much better idea to write it all on paper
so i'll be the only one reading my thoughts and not 80 or so people everyday

school sucks
its  cold outside
and im getting sick


el cine

It's so perfect it hurts a little.
It hurts when it's time to go home.

It also hurts when he lies down on my arm by mistake. hehe
It hurts when he pulls my hair by mistake too.

It hurts my feet when they get so cold because his room is freezing.

Otherwise it's all quite splendid.


espalda a la audencia

Laying on my couch doing absolutely nothing
My arms hurt for no apparent reason and I could not be more tired.

It was still amazing being in Malmö and feeling like a good person at the amnesty meeting for 5 hours. Makes you want to go out and give people all the fucking human rights they should be getting.

My head hurts from too little sleep.
I'm gonna lay here a little longer and then maybe go to alex's.




A retarded picture of me and fred to brighten everyone's friday night.

Today I'm off to hana's to celebrate the so awaited girl-dinner celebrating wonderful jana's birthday.
Oh it will be perfect. A bunch of amazing young women wearing dresses, eating not-so classy tacos, drinking margaritas and then cake and then drinking wine and then whatever else we'll have. And then get into our pj's and watch a film or two.

Ahh, and just to think that 4 or 5 years ago we were still having birthday parties with ballons and all that stuff children do.
Why are we getting so old!?




Will write later. Currently making dinner with mom

puss puss x

eyes of the ocean

I'm so tired.


the things that no one else sees

It sucks because he knows I write here and maybe I can't be as honest.
It sucks because there's no way to keep it secret any longer.

But it's amazing because the time spent with him cannot possibly get any better.
Because spending our money on restaurant food and coffee and tea and scones at espresso house or coffee break doesn't even matter.
Because I can't help but be annoying, I'm just so childishly happy when I'm around him.
Because I know he's one of the greatest human beings I'll ever meet.
Because he always eats and drinks everything so annoyingly fast and I tell him every time to stop and enjoy his food and he always answers: "This is the way I enjoy things!".
Because even if we disagree at some points and he can get so stubborn, I can't resist hugging him and lightly whispering nonsense in his ears. "You can't whisper, you're too loud".
Because that little weird laugh he does makes me smile every time he unconsciously does it. And then I remind him of it. And then he does it again.
Because it's 00.02 and I'm laying on my bed, hurting my neck in this uncomfortable position, quite tired and really needing some sleep. And all I could possibly think about was writing about him.

I hope you had a good day x




Things I saw today:
-Red velvet pants
-His face
-Horribly dark clouds
-Rain drops on my jacket
-Stains on a black top
-Mom's disapointed face
-Step moms typical jelous frown
-Viktors smile as I smiled at his little baby face
-My drawings in the school bathrooms
-His face again
-Some strange shoes

Things I heard today:
-The songs his brother used to play
-My dad complaining
-Alex's lovely comforting voice
-Him talking in swedish
-Chopins Fantasy Impromptu
-Her voice which I strangely like
-A man's very loud breathing sounds

Things I felt today:
-His sweaty back
-The pleasureful feeling of not doing yoga for a long time and then doing it again
-Strange after seeing him twice today
-Nothing after all

/sofia who is glad she's doing yoga again



So it turned out I had no lessons today.

I took some crappy pictures for the sake of it, although I think I've been posting a little too much lately... so maybe I'll slow down with the pictures. I like writing better but i do notice that the blog gets filled with random thoughts and nothing makes sense... oh well.

I also got the most fantastic agenda in the mail today. It's the perfect size, it has the perfect paper and I think I might have fallen in love with it.  I might show it later.

I'm off to dye my hair because I spontaneously bought some hair dye and there's no going back.


eight ten

its 8.10 in the morning and im laying on my bed hearing the "beep, beeeeeep, beeeeep" of my phone every once in a while.

i'm trying to make a doctors appointment but it looks like people in this country take forever to make a bloody doctors appointment so im still number 15 in the queue.

i really need a shower, my hair is dirty and my skin feels sticky.
my teeth dont feel clean and im feeling a tiny bit hungry.

but all i really wanna do is go back to bed and not wake up in 132 years.



past feeling

So I've been looking through my computer and through hundreds of pictures I took 3, 2 or 1 year ago. Its strange because now I feel like how I was back then, 14 and 15.
Dad just called and I think past me talked to him.

ohhhhhhh this feeling is so werid, I shouldn't look at old pictures of myself.
Now I'm off to get changed, dad's picking me up with alex and we're going to mcdonalds in staffanstorp.

/nearly 17 year old time-confused sofia

pictures i used to be proud of

I spent most of friday and saturday at alexander's bothering his parents and alex himself.
I dont really think we did anything apart from eating his food and talking to each other in his bed.

I didn't want to leave last night. After being with him for 24 hours I start to never want to leave him. But I guess I shouldn't think like that, since school is a priority right now and I need to get stuff done.

I just got out of bed because my neck was starting to hurt from laying down too much.
I've been dreaming quite a lot. I guess it might be the season, I didnt dream at all during the summer.
-Trips to mexico and cousins with cigarettes
-Weird magic schools
-Pokemon battles
-Broken ankles
-Broken knees
-Dad and his new kid
-Dad missing out on a trip and being with us in Mexico
-Strange hospitals

Now I'm off to get some breakfast, hopefully there's something nice in the fridge.

much love,



Mom likes being in pictures
I hate this stupid lab

but i love my garden-cress babies <3333333>


Irish cream

So I've been drinking a lot of tea lately and every time I go up to the kitchen sink, fill up the vattenkokare, close the lid, plug the cable in and let the water boil, I think about you. While the water slowly boils, I take out a big glass (those that cost 5 krs at Ikea and every swedish household has), place the cotton tea-filter over the cup, add far too much tea, wait by the kitchen sink and then think about you again.

I think about you because I started drinking tea again this year at your parents' place. That tea that is never the same but I always love. I think your dad went on about Lundablanding and you said something about some tea that started with the letter D, but to be honest I never really know what I'm drinking, so I just sit there and sip on surprisingly good tea from those blue iittala cups your mom loves.

The tea is usually too hot for me so I wait to drink it and sometimes it happens that we take it into your room and by the time I remember the tea again, two or three hours have passed. And so the tea is cold and the teacups are left behind on top of that black ikea bookshelf next to your bed.

I miss you and its only been a few days.
Tell me I can come over this weekend, so I can drink your Lundablanding or waste it by leaving it on the bookshelf because I'm too busy talking to wonderful you about things that are completely irrelevant because I act stupid when I'm around you.

The pictures are completely irrelevant to the text. I've had these on my computer for a while now so why not show you what my room looks like. In my eyes its perfect, although too messy at the moment. My room is a tiny tiny different now as well.

puss och hej for today



Ah and Coexist is now available on spotify and i'm sitting on my desk crying slightly by the wonderfulness of romy's fucking gorgeous voice, her perfect guitar rifs, the amazing bass lines and voice by oliver and the amazing stuff jamie does on his boards.

Ohhhhhh "they wont be as in love with you as i am"
Please someone get me the record and somewhere to play it on.


Silent thoughts in my mind today:

-"All this tea is making me kinda enjoyably sweaty".
-"I really need to get some sleep".
-"Have I lost you Dad? Why do you even dare to say "Heloooo are you there?" NO Dad, you're the one who's not there".
-"Ohhh why is she so beautiful".
-"Cutting your hair was a big mistake".
-"The rain is wonderful when you're sitting inside".
-"I hate leaving my headphones at home and having to listen to that baby cry on the bus".
-"I knew I wouldn't see you as often. I knew it would happen as soon as you told me".
-"I wonder if you know about him".
-"Ahhh why are you throwing banana peals at me?!!!!! You're 20 years old for fucks sake!".
-"I really need to clean my room".
-"I really shouldn't eat that cracker". "Whaevs, 18 calories is nothing nom nomnomnom".
-"I should go to the gym and do some yoga again".
-"A doctors appoitment would also be good".
-"Get your fucking face off facebook sofia paredes, there's nothing on it anyways".
-"Fucking hell, is it really that difficult to make copper sulphate? Screw ensys and everyone in the world".
-"Why cant I be friends with you, too?"
-"Ahhh my legs were skinnier before".

Right now: "hahaha this list is retarded." "but i love writing and i dont wanna do homework"

Please do write down a thought in your mind today, you can always comment anonymously
puss puss

EDIT: heyyy you, quite ones that are too afraid to write an anonymous comment: I want to hear your thoughts too. 

some nights

Something I wrote/drew/photoshopped about him a while ago.
Sometimes I sit and wonder how some people can be so perfect.
How some are perfect without even trying.

She's amazingly beautiful and has the most lovely voice.

He's quiet but as soon as you hear him talk you can tell he knows a lot.

She is talented in I don't even know how many ways. I've lost track of how many instruments she can play.

She's so goddamn committed and so beautiful too.

He has splendid eyes and the way he plays the piano gives me shivers.

His handwriting is perfect even when he's just scribbling, and even his worst drawings are pieces of art.

The entire universe probably orbits around his hands because of their perfection. At least that's my theory.

His eyes are so honest they can be a little scary to look into.

She must be so strong, having lost so much and still making her way through life.

That amazing voice that she has. It makes me happy as soon as I try to imagine it in my head.

His brutal kindness.

Her fantastic eyes. Ohhhh and her laugh.

The way she makes me laugh every time I see her. And how we still somehow keep in contact.

Her lovely smile and funny jokes.

The strange way in which he was talking today.

His voice and that grey sweater he usually wears.

I think I probably won't remember exactly who I wrote this things about in a while. I hope at least one of you is reading this.



dia de ave

Things I would not mind getting for my birthday (which is relatively soon):

The XX's new album coexist on LP
Chai latte powder
The XX's first album on LP
Any other amazing LP's
A record player
Any amazing book/s
A bonsai tree/ginseng
A moleskine notebook to write and draw pretty things in
A sunday morning family breakfast like we used to do some years ago
Hugs from mom, dad, alex and pepe
Kisses from alex

Anonymous letters from anyone who is willing to send me anything

puss och kram
little sofia


unedited photos

Me and fred woke up early this morning to have scones and coffee in lund. I was feeling like crap after a sleepless night and some stupid infection.
Still it was pretty amazing. Empty sunday morning streets are wonderful and the scones at coffee break never seem to disappoint me.

After that, I got on the bus and then got home.
then laid in bed and tried to sleep.
I dont quite know/remember what I've done since I woke up.

Also, mom got me some wonderful kid markers today. Ohhhhhhhhhh the joy!



oh how absolutely wonderful she is.
shes in the bathroom washing her face right now, and i cant believe this is the beginning of the third year since she left me.


bad updating today, will be back tomorrow <3 p="p">


my angels

I can die happy. please do listen to it.


my tea is almost ready,
my clothes are super comfy,
i've had my favorite pre-dinner snack,
im not too tired,
and im ready to finally finish this essay.




My dad called just a few minutes ago.
For some reason, after hearing his voice I felt like crying. While talking to him, I kept thinking "What? Why are you crying sofia? What is wrong with your mind?".
Now I feel weird/sad for no reason whatsoever.




stupid university and stupid parents who expect you to start it straight away

lol 16 and looking for undergraduate courses in Edinburgh, London and i dont know where else
and on top of that a massive ton of homework
some essay that can take me to istambul
being healthy and doing excercise
and cas
and ohhhh what a long year this one will be

unrelated picture of my legs for me to stop eating so much trashhhhhhhhhh

untitled 1

so im in a sad mood and now i feel like writing.

-you aren't perfect
-the shoes hurt my feet
-dad gave me a red string for luck
-i wish i was older so i could stop wishing for shit little people like me wish for
-i think i hate you a bit at the moment
-sometimes i try to imagine what would happen if i actually had to converse with you
-i dont like the way i feel right now
-i need to sleep

indian looking paintings

black and white are my favorite colors nowadays,
white makes me feel happy and it feels clean and fresh,
black is strong and clear, black is black and nothing else.

black is how i feel inside sometimes, when shit gets to my head.
white is how i feel inside sometimes, when things seem more than perfect.

black is how you just made me feel, did you even notice? people have feelings you piece of shit.

if things are white, they must be entirely white for me to like them. no stains, no dirty ends. no twirly bits in other bright colors. no stupid unthoughtful comments that ruin the perfectly white moment.

can i even write about you without mentioning too much? without making it clear that its actually about you?

you have no control over me black me would think
white me would say you control me entirely





I need to write some essay for school and I don't quite know what I need to write or what I should write so I guess I'll just write random things here to feel inspired:

-I was born in mexico, a country where as a woman, you  more or less should/must not have sex before you marry.

-Women who divorce and get a new partner are seen badly by their families. I've never quite understood the reason.

-We used to have big family lunches every sunday at my grandmas house, all my cousins, all my auncles and aunts would be there. The women would all sit in the kitchen and cook, while the men sat outside drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. Sometimes they would take care of the grill, because it was the thing the men could do.

-I visited Mexico 2 years ago during christmas time. I remember that me and my mom celebrated the 24th by eating dinner at my aunt's place. When the dinner was over, I remember very clearly, the women stood up and started doing dishes, cleaning the table, serving dessert. The men stood around and watched, joked around even. Not a single one of them did much more than bringing their plates to the kitchen.

-My room was entirely pink when I was little. My brother's was blue. I always wanted to play with the legos and the cars, but my brothers never let me.

-When I was in Mexico 2 years ago, I was asked plenty of times by family members whether my brothers were able to drive a car. When I said that they hadn't even thought about it, they looked surprised. I was never asked whether I could drive a car.

-They also asked over and over again if my brothers had girlfriends. They made fun of them because they didn't.

-My 70 year old grandma cooks every single meal for my 80 year old grandpa.

-Men would open up the windows of their cars and whistle to me and my mom when we walked around the city. They would say awfully rude things. I felt disgusting and not in the least bit eulogized.

-When I was in greece this summer, I entered a shop where one of the employees got a little too close. He made me feel so uncomfortable and went as far as hugging me and kissing me when I told him I needed to go.

-Why the fuck do women need to go through shit like this? We're both human beings, yet some of us are treated like slaves and are even physically/mentally harassed by the other sex.

-Why are we paid less? We can most certainly do as much as any other common man can.

-And why do some women just let men control them? In every way possible? Why must my aunt still have to wash and cook for my 26 year old cousin? When will women like her be able to achieve personal fulfillment?

-[to be continued]



The pictures have been laying around in my room, bringing back the memories of dusty and wet days at hultsfred. Ohhh how it was all so horrible that last night, raining cats and dogs and ending the night at 6 in the morning with iphones being dropped in puddles. But how there were some moments when me and hana walked around and talked about how fucking amazing it was being there. How you could just jump around and dance to whatever sort of music you heard and noone would think you were wierd. Or how I laughed at amy who couldn't take off her shoes and would scream "fucking shoe!". Tuna sandwiches, peanut butter sandwiches, peanut butter and nutella sandwiches, cider, jägers and ridiculous amounts of water because we were so thirsty after all the concerts.
Oh and the xx. One of the best 1 ½ hours of my entire life.