31.10.13

GIRLS: Natalie

Cecilia never found out why that bus never came, but up to this day, she's glad it didn't.

She waited another ten minutes, staring as other buses going to different neighborhoods of town passed by. The 21 only went once an hour after nine, so Cecilia knew she had to wait at least half an hour more for the next bus. She decided to walk to the bigger bus station a few blocks away, where there was an indoor area she could sit and wait. She took the back street to the station, avoiding the loud cars and bright lights on that main street. As she walked, she noticed how beautifully quiet it was there instead. The cold gave a strange stillness to everything around her; the apartment buildings, the parked cars, the leafless trees and even Cecilia's own thoughts. She wasn't very fond of loud noises, she could get easily stressed out by a loud motorbike driving outside her apartment or by the constant noise that the neighbor liked for music. And so walking a few blocks in the intense silence gave the city something she had rarely experienced but absolutely enjoyed.

She kept on walking till she reached the main station, where it wasn't quite so still, although the city still remained somewhat calm and quiet. She soon found out that most people were inside due to the now freezing cold and she was so hungry and tired that she preferred the cold to the loud voices of people in the waiting area. Cecilia unconsciously lit another cigarette to pass the time, now unable to ignore the shivering and the way the cold was spreading to every last bit of her body. Her head was beginning to ache and she could no longer feel the tip of her toes. Her mood had been ruined by all those loud people in the waiting area. So even if it was freezing, she knew she would feel slightly better out in the now 0-degree weather, in nothing but jogging tights, a thin top and her excuse for a jacket.

"Are you not cold?"- was the first thing Natalie ever said to Cecilia.

Voices




some people just have certain voices
that can pretty much melt through my brain and make me feel a little ill

but its almost a nice sensation


30.10.13

GIRLS: Kalimera

It was around nine o'clock in the evening, the sun had set hours ago and it was getting rather cold. Winter was closing in, making the short days rainy and grey and the long nights freezing and pitch dark. Cecilia had just finished her usual Monday yoga class and was heading back to her flat on the other side of town. She sat by the bus stop, cuddling up in her thin bomber jacket and thought "When will I ever learn? I wouldn't be freezing if I had brought my winter jacket" as she smoked a cigarette out of hunger. She knew she ought to stop smoking if she ever wanted to really benefit from her yoga but she hadn't had the time to eat dinner and smoking really helped, but apart from that, she repeatedly told herself that she'd quit sometime in the near future.

The cold was slowly creeping in through her glove-less fingers, up the sleeves of her flimsy jacket and around every little strand of hair on her now shivering arms. "Okay, don't think about the shivering: stop shivering! Don't think about how cold it is. Relax, it's not cold, it's not that cold, I'm not cold. The bus will be here soon. It's not cold, I'm not cold" she thought over and over again. Cecilia was unlucky enough to not wear a proper jacket the first cold winter day that year. But on the other hand, she had always been the type to underestimate the weather and was more or less used to this type of uncomfortably cold situations. Cecilia would deny the winter every year, telling people that she would not wear a winter jacket until fully necessary, meaning that she froze though October and half way through November. And even then, when she finally took out her winter coat, she would forget her gloves, or leave her scarf at home with the excuse that it wasn't even cold- at minus something degrees. This meant that she always had a bit of a cold through every winter she could remember, except for the ones she spent in warmer countries.

The bus was late; a good ten minutes late, which was strange given the day and time. The 21 was almost always empty on Monday nights and it wasn't snowing or raining which sometimes led to the buses not being on time. Cecilia knew the driver, it was always the same man driving this route: a fifty-something bearded Greek male who always had an annoyed look on his face, but was actually very kind and friendly. Every time she took the 21, he would greet Cecilia as she beeped her monthly card against the machine and stepped in onto the warm bus. She always answered with the only Greek word she knew: "Kalimera!"-even if it meant good morning and it was night time. 

[...]




28.10.13

STORMY WEATHER



So today; its just very very windy
and tomorrow should be exciting

/S

27.10.13

To accept and to understand



You see the thing is
You say that i'm immature because i get angry at You

yes i will get angry at You when you make homophobic remarks
and expect me to "accept Your point of view"
no
no
no
i will not accept Your homophobic remarks

i understand Your preocupation and Your way of thinking, but i cant accept it

society has not gotten this far because people have just accepted their horrible realities
no,
segregation and racism due to skin color has changed and improved due to people not accepting the way in which they were/are treated

people should not accept the fact that some are being treated differently because of their sexuality: we all are after all only human fucking beings




AND YES MOM, PEDOPHILIA IS ANOTHER FUCKING THING



26.10.13

GIRLS: The beginning

"What's it like?" she asked her. "To have found her, to finally realize she's the one who will stand by you no matter what?". "It's extremely scary. I feel vulnerable, really" Cecilia replied. "What happens when I no longer have her? I feel lost when she isn't around. It fucking hurts when she leaves to do whatever she has to do. I mean, I wish her and me could just lay in bed all day every day and talk and drink green tea. I then feel safe, with her by my side, certain that it is very unlikely that something might happen to her, to this precious human being with whom I can no longer live without. And I mean that literally. Its like she's this amazing drug and I am the biggest addict". "Fuck, I can't tell whether I'm jealous of you two or whether I'm glad I'm not in your position". "Well, I'm the happiest I've ever been. And everyday is just perfect. But when she's fallen asleep and I lay awake, I think "This can't possibly last forever" and that scares more than you can imagine. I wish I could spend eternity with her, it probably would be the only way to get this constantly horrifying and discomforting feeling out of me".



Cecilia was born in a small town close to São Paulo. She never quite understood why exactly she was born there, but it was something to do with her parents and some luck related witchcraft they had going on around that time. Her parents were like that, they had "stages", like teenagers do: they just never really stopped having them and she never really knew what was coming next: one year, they visited all major cities in Japan and learned everything there is to know about Japanese cooking and then they built a small house in the middle of a forest with no running water or electricity and lived there for a whole year to "open up the soul". But her parents are a whole other story. This is about the day she met her and how it got like this.

saturdays

today is filled with a strange sensation of melancholy
for something i've never had
in fact for something i don't actually know

today is filled with arctic monkeys on repeat

did i make any mistakes?
probably not, maybe, yes

people see things differently, people make their own minds up about what is correct
and what is not


22.10.13

Don't break down

20.10.13

Observing

Drunken red blue eyes. Beautiful, tired and lost gazes. Blushed cheeks. Dark jeans, dark jackets, fancy shirts and gloves. The bittersweet smell of cigarettes and cologne. The stink of beer and strong spirits. The hilarious ignored conversations. The distanced looks through the train windows, longing for home, for undressing the dark and dirty clothes and finally sleeping it that warm, known bed. 

/s

19.10.13

dogs and bones

what is in my mind?

well the fact that you are very nice indeed
that i was mistaken about you
that maybe it wasn't surprising, but more or less relieving
to know how things actually have been

im tired and i feel like staying in bed all day
but also seeing you
and you
and you

but one cant see everyone all the time everyday, now can one?

i hope you have a nice saturday


/s

18.10.13

F R I D A Y F A C E



a friday in october
of the eighteenth year of my life
with a computer running on low battery
a back hurting from i dont know what
and an over-all feeling of discomfort
and confusion
and despair
and happiness
and everything
and just
all at the same time

fridays are recurring and so are these feelings 
there will always be fridays and there will always be a confused sofia
who is never certain about anything at all

/happy friday to you


17.10.13

Trauma

Now I realise how I was just a little kid

14.10.13

red lips and brows




I recently found out I actually have natural eyebrows and have stop harassing them with my tweezers. They feel better, they thank me. Its 2013 guys, leave them brows alone, like that song says "leave them kids alone".

Now to find a good recipe to work with those amazing chantarelles in the fridge.

puss,
S

10.10.13

Sofia:

what are you doing get to work!

/s

8.10.13

FOR SIX MONTHS



So when people ask: "Oh hi! How was your birthday?!" I should really be like, it was actually pretty weird and overwhelming and sad. I ended up sitting in a warm uteservering, crying with mascara all over my face and drinking a white russian with my parents while eating cheesecake. I was disappointed  by a friend and just couldn't really keep a happy face because no one asked if I really did want to turn 18. I missed my brother and I wished that I got to see mom, dad and my two brothers all together more often. And so there I was, with that same old "you-ve-cried-too-much-and-you-re-too-sad-headache".

And I mean now it's over and there's no going back.
I think I have officially accepted that I don't very much like getting older and having a birth day. So maybe now that I have accepted it, it won't be so bad in the next 60 to 80 birthdays that I (might) have left. 




6.10.13

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

That feeling that her songs always spark in me.
The same old strange feeling of my chest being wide wide open.
Not to be confused with a lonely feeling or an empty one.
It's different, definitely different.
Unexplainable might be the right word. Is that even a word?
The word-check says it isn't.

"Whatever", you say.
Whatever what?
Why are people always looking for concrete answers,
when they know that nothing that will ever come out of an individuals lips
will ever be as concrete as the thoughts they think and that these thoughts will never be
explained the right way, no matter how hard one might try?

"Give up", I should say.
"The closest you will ever get to knowing anything about me, anything at all, is to try to read between the lines ("which is not very far, by the way"),
but will you ever feel the pain that I feel as I write? What pain? Oh, the pain in my hand mostly,
But the pain of really not being able to explain what I really feel too".... "Of course you won't, you never will".


Nothing makes sense nowadays, and "being" one year older really will not help. Thank you very much.

Being older and being wiser do not go hand in hand. The older I get, the more confused I am about everything and everyone. "Well done"- I say to myself.

/s

3.10.13

NARKOS

Today I was put to sleep for the first time.

And then I woke up not knowing where I was and with this blue thing wrapped around my wrist. Now it's swollen and it hurts if not over my heart. And these white stickers which had the purpose of keeping my heartbeat and pumping weird stuff into my system won't come off. A funny experience I should say.

I should stop writing and take a pain-killer. My hand hurts.

October, October, such an interesting month.


/skadad

2.10.13

Do I wanna know____?

October, october, october.

The faint pink color from the screen hits my room and my clothes and its melancholic.
I love october. Yesterday I was at a loud concert with loud music and good looking danes, I should move to copenhagen and kiss danish boys.
Today I was with her and we walked around in a cold malmö and talked about life and men and boys and us. And places, where we might one day go. Hopefully together.
And so tomorrow I will wake up and drink two cups of tea for breakfast and shower at 5 in the morning. All day spent at the hospital. Excitedly nervous.
Friday I just dont know and october is a peculiar month and I wish I was in love.


//s

1.10.13

today

just not super excited
i almost cant be bothered with it