31.1.13

1. The perfect stranger


They had never met before. Not a single time.

"His eyes are the perfect olive green. His eye lashes so beautifully long and dark compared to his dirty blonde hair."

He thought he might have heard his name before, his friends might have told one or two stories about Vicco, but as usual, he probably wasn't listening.
Carl had his eyes on Vicco the entire night, there was something different about him.

They had both been invited to a midsummer party at a friend's stuga close to Torekov, about 2 hours away by car from Malmö. It was not the perfect weather, "it has been a horrible summer and it'll only get worse" Carl thought. He loved warm weather and could not wait to escape to Crete for the rest of the summer. But after meeting Vicco that night, he didn't want to escape the grey clouds and the rain that that Swedish summer was going to bring. He wanted to sit there, on that unstable old chair for the rest of his days and stare at Vicco's green eyes, his broad shoulders, his perfect teeth, his strong looking hands and his jaw tightened every time Vicco took a sip of elderberry cider.

Carl had ended things with his Carro just a couple of months ago. He had felt that it didn't feel normal  to stroke her full breasts and hold her tiny womanly waist while they kissed passionately in his tiny bed. The bed issue was always a problem at home. His parents argued that he could get a new big bed when he moved out. But of course, he had to pay for it himself. "We already give you so much money Carl, what do you want a bigger bed for? The one you have is perfectly okay, stop complaining" they would say.

Anyways, he didn't quite see what all the other guys jealously thought of Carro: the perfectly skinny legs (?), the gorgeous long hair (?), the big breast (?) and her, in his opinion, "annoying feminine voice" (!!). He knew he didn't dare to go much further with her and lied saying he was staying a virgin till he married. She agreed with him, but secretly never quite believed him. After all "what nineteen year old says that nowadays?" she used to think.

Victor felt his eyes on him all the way through the dinner. It was "rather cold for a summers night, nineteen or eighteen degrees at least" Vicco thought to himself. But he didn't feel the cold creep through his slightly tan half-bare legs. He didn't feel it creep inside of him through his short sleeves and freeze his bones till they hurt. This time he felt warm all along, his heart beating steadily  somehow excited to feel the strangers gaze on him. He didn't dare to look back just get, he had no clue of what he was doing, but he knew he had to wait. 

The wine kept flowing in, cheap wine, expensive wine, wine that tasted like fruit, wine that didn't quite taste of anything at all, white wine, rosé and red wine. The empty cider and beer cans started filling the table up. The cigarette smoke filled the big white tält and suddenly big bottles of strong liquor started to appeared on the table too. Cheap vodka from Denmark for the girls who wanted to get drunk, Jägermeister for the one's who thought they knew what they were drinking, fancy bottles of whiskey "borrowed" from the parent's cabinets, Absolut bottles of all colors and flavors for everyone to try and one or two disgusting unknown bottles that no one quite dared to touch. It was around eight in the evening, dessert (an amazing cheesecake) had just finished and the white table was beginning to get stained by all sorts of things. The typical small wooden Swedish flags put on the table kept falling over and every once in a while someone would put them back where they were meant to be. Songs were starting to be sung when taking shots as the music got louder and louder. Some men had taken off their black and blue blazers and sat on the old and relatively comfortable chairs looking naked in their white shirts, bow ties and colorful suspenders. 

When his Casio read twenty-one double zero, Victor decided to meet Carl's eyes.





/S




30.1.13

part 3



green eyes
perfume
ralph lauren
green eyes
shoulders
hands
green eyes
laughter
arms
grin
shoulders
green eyes
kisses
perfume
hands
chest
shoulders

i miss it all
where are you

The touch the feeling




I dont know
My bed feels empty
and somehow I can only 
write short sentences

I wonder why it is
why sometimes things are one way
and then the next day
they're back the way they always were

Its alex's birthday tomorrow
I get to see dad and jose again
its been a while 
i miss both


Life is good
exercising is good
school is boring
but it will be over soon and then i can read books
buy clothes
drink tea in big tea cups
exercise all i want
whenever i want to 



i wonder when i'll be able to write
in long sentences again
this is annoying

/s

29.1.13

ikea glass

thoughts today:

im too tired to work out
i have never been to this part of the supermarket before
omg senses blown by this ecological "the-real-stuff-peanut butter" aka screw skippy
i want a nice tea cup to drink my tea in
drinking tea in ikea glasses isnt classy
sofia pick a jacket already
you know it has to be warm

28.1.13

Pic

24.1.13

many things


i like tea, i like you
i like mozzarela, i like you
i like the forest, i like you
i like blankets, i like you
i like mountains, i like you
i like the summer, i like you
i like brazil, i like you
i like to swim, i like you
i like the sun, i like you
i like my house, i like you
i like bananas, i like you
i like walking, i like you
i like breakfast, i like you
i like dogs, i like you
i like the dentist, i like you
i like the gym, i like you
i like music, i like you
i like reading, i like you
i like the shower, i like you
i like trees, i like you
i like sandwiches, i like you
i like madrid, i like you
i like the stars, i like you
i like dresses, i like you
i like my hair, i like you
i like sweden, i like you
i like my granny, i like you
i like books, i like you
i like the sky, i like you
i like writing, i like you
i like dali, i like you
i like my brothers, i like you
i like my bed, i like you,
i like planes, i like you
i like oatmeal, i like you
i like smirnoff, i like you
i like crackers, i like you
i like the sea, i like you

what am i gonna do, my heart?

22.1.13

motion

Sometimes I hate it as soon as I get on the machine. Time goes by much slower and it feels like it will never end.
Once I'm off, tired, sweaty, out of breath, more or less half dying, it feels great. I feel accomplished  successful, motivated, committed, euphoric and everything else positive you can think of.
And I'm starting to see the small changes. Two weeks ago I couldn't quite do certain things that I did yesterday. My yoga is starting to get better and I can push myself further every day.
And it's when I start to see the results of my hard work that I want to keep going. Keep going till I see my life changing and love the way I look.
I usually lay in bed waiting to fall asleep so a new day can begin and I can have a healthy breakfast, walk to the train, be at school, eat a balanced lunch, walk home from the train and then finally work-out. It's fun, it really is.
Ahhhhh I love my life as it is. School is a pain in the butt, but so is everything else if you look at the negative aspects of it. I want good grades and I'm going to get them. I want to be healthy and fit and I will be it. I can, I will and I have already started, so why stop now?


Hahahah sorry for the very unusual motivated sofia speech-to-myself sort of thing. I'm just quite happy right now.

/s



16.1.13

same old






So this is what i do instead of doing homework
As long as its not due tomorrow



The tingly sensation hasnt gone away when I think of you
Even though sometimes I'm like whats the point of all this
We're young and so on and so forth
But then I'm like who cares its still tingly!!!!!

Tingly inside my chest, tingly tingly tingly

Tingly is a funny word
Hahaha tingly
Say it outloud, its funny


How do I feel right now you may ask?

Well right now I'm a little cold and a little smelly. I'm sitting by the living-rooms table writing this in my sportsbra..... not really knowing why. I should go to bed cause I'm tired.


In fact thats what I'm going to do. This is a waste of time.

How do you feel right now?


14.1.13

no hablo español!!!!!!

The real problem is... I cant fucking write in my mother tongue. AHHH SOFIA YOU MUST BE JOKING!!!!!! I should just give up and be like, well I cant actually write the language dearest Katarina, please do accept my apology and give me a kiss and a hug and tell me its okay not to do it.

But thats not gonna happen and I still need to write this essay in a language I can't quite write. OHHHH its going to be so bad that the examiner that corrects it is going to laugh and ask: "is this a joke?" "this sofia from sweden can't write spanish without sounding like a 7 year old".


What I really mean is, like..... I sort of just want to go to the gym all the time, crosstrain, yoga, box and alllll that and see the attractive trainers because i dont see alex enough. Hahaha joke jokes....... but seriously, lately I've been going to the gym and instagraming fittness pictures instead of doing any of the 230323923^2 essays and labs that i have to write. Ive gone to the gym 8 times in the past 10 day and then gone to bed tired and not having done any homework...... total procrastination.


okay this was a messy post

my point was:

fuck spanish, seriously.

13.1.13

Red Building (5)

I think I will live. And maybe I’ll study and become a doctor to save people who seem to think life is actually worth living. I will marry a young and handsome man and we will be the perfect couple with a perfect life and a perfect house with a dog and two perfect little children that do nothing but run around and play in a perfect garden. I will lie to my husband and children. I will never tell them that I don’t really wish to live and that my biggest wish is to die already. I think I will try to teach myself how to love them, the least I can do is try. 


I will lie.



It’s actually 5.34 now. Time goes by quickly.
I have school today but I will tell Mother that I feel a little sick and that it’s too cold outside. She’ll say she thinks it will be a lot better if I stay home today.  


I will actually just sit here and plan my life. I will look outside my window and see how the world turns without me. I will stay here in this red apartment building and see how the winter cold freezes everything out there.



I will try to live.




THE END

12.1.13

greece




Back to greece with lovely mom,
a nicer body and a tanner skin

This winter better go by fucking fast 
as well as all this school work and exams

Benidorm come to me nowwwww

Now off to the gym for an hour or so, 
shower,
sushi 
and then homework.


2013 so far

Obssesed about food and working out,
Not doing any school work at all,
And hoping I could get another hair-cut sometime soon.

But since I'm so lazy,
All the work is piling up,
And another hair-cut would be too expensive.


I can't wait till all of this is over akjdsnsaldad I hate school.


7.1.13

One last thing


What was the single best thing that happened this past year?
-I saw the xx live front row in hultsfred. Probably the happiest moment of my life so far.
What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
-I'm not quite sure. But getting out of that deep deep hole I had mentally dug myself into in the beginning of the year was quite tough.
What was an unexpected joy this past year?
-Alexander.
What was an unexpected obstacle?
-Getting out of the stupid mental horribleness that I was in.
Pick three words to describe 2012.
- Difficult, unexpected, quick
What were the best books you read this year?
-The handmaid's tale, A thousand splendid suns (!!!), The year the gypsies came.
With whom were your most valuable relationships?
-My family and Alex.
What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
-I think I'm a lot stronger now although I belive I've gotten lazier.
In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?
-I have learnt from my mistakes and I appreciate myself.
In what way(s) did you grow physically?
-Ohhhhh that yoga! Oh in so many ways :)
What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?
-Being in the horrible hole that I've mentioned before. Thinking I would go back to where I had been in 2011.
What was the best way you used your time this past year?
-Getting to know him

4.1.13

2012

What a better moment to look back at 2012 when I'll never ever ever have to go back to it.

Here is a recap of my year:

January 


I think I tired to tell myself to read a lot, I remember being at the library and borrowing books that I never finished reading.
I wasn't sleeping very much and I was starting to see how much I hated my own self... Although that had already started a bit in the end of 2011.

 I baked cupcakes a couple of times. I think it was because me and mom had been to IKEA and bought cupcake making things. It took my mind off the pain I felt, making food that I wasn't going to eat. For 3 to 5 hours I didn't quite think about anything.
In January, I thought about him every goddamned night and wanted him back every living minute.

 I completely re-did my bedroom in one day. Or at least I cleaned it from head to toe. Cleaning also took my mind off things, specially if it took hours. I liked that best: hours where my head was empty from any regret or pain or sadness or loneliness.

 I think she invited me to hers one day. She had been sick for a while and had finally recovered at around this time of the year. I remember playing scrabble, wii for hours and probably having some deliciously healthy dinner. She never quite understood how I felt about him and thought that I was being stupid, but it didn't really matter. She made me feel better.

January was pretty fucking horrible to be honest. I wasn't happy but I was pretending to be. I went to some parties, hanged out a lot with andris and smoked quite a bit at some points.

I wrote this the first day back at school after the holidays (not proud ofc):
"I really don't know if I can actually stand it for another year and a half.
This place is filled with rich kids who think they know everything about everything and everyone. They think they've seen everything cause their mommys and daddys take them on holidays all around the world."


February

MEHHHH I cant be fucked anymore.. this takes too much time. I'll continue some other day.

But I was looking through my own blog and I had a bad time there too. I cant believe how awful everything was and what a horrible time I was having inside.

Honestly speaking though, after reading through my posts in Jan and Feb 2012, he has changed it all. Nothing is like it was then. It's all so much better and its been amazing for over 6 months.


/x

Red bulding (4)




If I could decide myself, I would open up the window and sit with my legs hanging about 7 floors from the ground. I would wait till they turned purple from the cold and then jump to hang in midair for exactly 4 second. And then I would hit the cold and hard ground. Mother would go down and out into the cold to buy bread at Coop, and then she would see me in the big patch of blood-soaked grass, my body so deformed she might just only recognize me by the white dress I like to wear at home. She would scream and cry for months and never close her eyes again without picturing me lying there dead. Her splendid little girl. She would then wonder why I did it and cry harder.
                                                                                                 


But I won’t do it.

Perfection

The way you make me feel
Just like the song
Insomnia
The only thoughts in my head
You
The perfection of your everything
Even if perfect is a difficult word
The only way I can describe you
I swear
Your words are real
I hope
Mine are clear
Perfection I swear again
The only way I see you
It sounds ridiculously absurd
But its true too
/s

1.1.13

thirteen


I think I still remember 2000. I remember how it was so special, beginning the new millennium, how everyone in my big family was so excited about it and I was too.
Well, its been 13 years since that day. And this year's was good, too.

I started the night in the wrong place. I should've spent the entire evening with people I love and enjoy their company, not with people I've never met before. Oh well... Luckily I ended up in the right place, with the right people.

At 00.00, I got the same feeling as last year. A strange over whelming sensation all over my body. But this time I was happy, looking up to the fireworks, thinking about how it was all the complete opposite last year.

I ended the night by walking home from the train, meeting a random creepy guy who wanted to follow me home but finally fucked off. I smoked my last cigarette in the ugly back garden and then went up to our apartment.

This morning, my room smelled of fake green apples.


/s

Oh and happy new year! I hope this year is a good one for you and everyone you love! xxx



Red Building (3)


Part 1 here, part 2 here

_______________


From my window I see a small black creature jumping around in the frost-covered gardens surrounding these buildings. I can tell it’s Linus, my neighbor’s cat. 

Suddenly, I feel jealous. His cat life is simple. He runs after mice, eats his disgusting cat food and loves sleeping with his fat and sweaty owner. I don’t want to disappear anymore; I want to be a cat and live a simple life like Linus.


I’m this young and I already want to turn to dust. Or start my life over as a cat. Damn it! I really need to get some sleep; otherwise I’ll start talking to my lamp.

But I can’t.

I don’t want to sleep and wake up again in this world. I just want to stand here and slowly disappear because I haven’t slept in 200 days. 



“Can one die from not sleeping?” 
 
“Oh, I don’t know”, says my pocket watch.  
 
“I think I’ll try” I reply silently.