2012

What a better moment to look back at 2012 when I'll never ever ever have to go back to it.

Here is a recap of my year:

January 

I think I tired to tell myself to read a lot, I remember being at the library and borrowing books that I never finished reading.
I wasn't sleeping very much and I was starting to see how much I hated my own self... Although that had already started a bit in the end of 2011.

 I baked cupcakes a couple of times. I think it was because me and mom had been to IKEA and bought cupcake making things. It took my mind off the pain I felt, making food that I wasn't going to eat. For 3 to 5 hours I didn't quite think about anything.
In January, I thought about him every goddamned night and wanted him back every living minute.

 I completely re-did my bedroom in one day. Or at least I cleaned it from head to toe. Cleaning also took my mind off things, specially if it took hours. I liked that best: hours where my head was empty from any regret or pain or sadness or loneliness.

 I think she invited me to hers one day. She had been sick for a while and had finally recovered at around this time of the year. I remember playing scrabble, wii for hours and probably having some deliciously healthy dinner. She never quite understood how I felt about him and thought that I was being stupid, but it didn't really matter. She made me feel better.

January was pretty fucking horrible to be honest. I wasn't happy but I was pretending to be. I went to some parties, hanged out a lot with andris and smoked quite a bit at some points.

I wrote this the first day back at school after the holidays (not proud ofc):
"I really don't know if I can actually stand it for another year and a half.
This place is filled with rich kids who think they know everything about everything and everyone. They think they've seen everything cause their mommys and daddys take them on holidays all around the world."

February

MEHHHH I cant be fucked anymore.. this takes too much time. I'll continue some other day.

But I was looking through my own blog and I had a bad time there too. I cant believe how awful everything was and what a horrible time I was having inside.

Honestly speaking though, after reading through my posts in Jan and Feb 2012, he has changed it all. Nothing is like it was then. It's all so much better and its been amazing for over 6 months.


/x