Innocence is not bliss

I wonder what you'll do to make up for it.
I hope you don't sleep tonight either, thinking about how much you've fucked up.
I wish you'd realize how wrong you are.
I wish things were different.
I don't quite know what to think or what to do.
All I know is that it isn't my fault.


see heaven's got a plan for you

its 8.12 in the morning and ive just come back from playing video games till 4 am at filip's place
i dont know i guess i should apologize because my blog is pretty crappy at the moment

im seeing dad later today
i like his voice on the phone
he should've been a radio-guy
then i could listen to his voice all day
or whenever he was on the radio of course



back from stockholm
so that was pretty amazing and lovely and cold


now that i think about it lund feels like home




I have officially finished a book in less than 24 hours. And it wasn't even a short book, I think it was 300 pages or so. It wasn't the greatest book ever and the reading was extremely easy, but I guess it is a book after all.
While I wasn't reading, I was waiting for the moment where I'd go back to it. I also kept thinking that after I finish school I want to sit at home that whole summer and read book after book after book.

Anyways, things in my mind lately:
-I need to send a letter
-I can't wait to get out of here
-I wish I hadn't picked such an annoying school program
-He should not have cut his hair
-I miss dad
-I need to go to the gym
-His eyes




Oh i should've studied instead.



This weekend was absolutely perfectly mind-blowing.
Perfect people, perfect alexander and perfect chocolate pancakes.

I saw a beautiful deer at 2 in the morning and played with little viktor who can now walk.
Ojj and also I just learnt to make gifs on photoshop, so I guess I'll be posting that a lot.

Im off to study for a bit and then to watch the last episode of Torka aldrig tÃ¥rar utan handskar.



I've been sleeping a lot lately and still been extremely tired.
Dad called today and asked to go for coffee.
And I'm glad we somehow figured things out.

This room smells of soup.
And I'm extreamly thirsty.

I need to write my extended essay-
And I can't wait for the weekend.




Like the stuff in my ensys book about systems. unstable. plop. Falls and cant really return to the previous state.

If I were to only write the first letter to every word, would you get anything? Probably not
D loves m a i l h b. I j n t s h  m often.
W d y h t leave m t. f y i h. t m y a sorry. talk t m. i c w forever.


Church bells

I just realized that my dad isn't really a part of my life.
His voice on the phone was the voice of a stranger I weirdly recognize.
"Oh I miss you guys all the time".
Its your fucking fault that you married some stupid bitch and left me behind.
I dont think I care if you miss us and call up every once in a while.
It was your choice and you messed up.
"I've been trying to reach you." Yeah, no.
One text in a week is not trying to reach me.
Don't ask me to call you back, because I won't. This should have been your responsibility.
I guess I now understand why alex feels like this about you, I guess I was picturing a fairy tale in my head.
The daddy with the money who makes you happy and buys you nice things from time to time.

The fact that I hadn't really thought about you till today for at least a week, makes it all seem pretty clear.
You aren't in my mind any more. You aren't like mom, or like alex, or like jose, who are there at all times, hidden at the back of my head, making me remember them a couple of times a day.

I dont think about you any more. Why? Because you made horrible choices 3 years ago and messed up the part of me that was yours.

Shit. Shit shit shit shit. Fuck, it hurts.


My flowers are dead
My poster fell off a couple of days ago
My hair is dirty
And it actually hurt.

I dont know.



Today was not a very good day. I haven't really had a bad day in a while, the bad times usually come at night when I'm in bed trying to sleep.

I keep getting sick, there's so much school work to do, I don't like our apartment and I need to stop all my bad habits. I need to stop caring about what other people think. I need to be more responsible. Goddamn it




The perfect green eyes, the broad shoulders.
The fact that he sitting in my kitchen, measuring leaves.
The beautiful hands and the honest gaze.
The horrible hand writing, the quiet muttering of random numbers.
The I cant help but smile at you while you're not looking.

I hope you're reading this.





The 7th of October is actually quite a beautiful day. October. Seven.
Just the sound of it makes me happy. Seeing it written, saying it outloud.
And no, it's not simply because it was the day of the year when I celebrate another year of existance.
No, I think the day and the month is just perfect.

I was a bit upset at the beginning, as I usually am. Things get stressful and dad or one of my brothers are usually late to whatever we plan. But then dad came in to the hotel where we decided to have brunch, with lovely yellow roses and a big smile on his face. Two kisses, one on each cheek and then it was all quite okay.

My mom was so beautiful and polite and nice the whole day and her hugs last night at 00.00 were more than enough.

One of my brothers showed up with a cut hand, stitches and still slightly drunk from last nights partying, but he was still lovely and gave me a lovely card and a subscription to an amazing mazagine.
The other brother woke up early and actually got nicely dressed and forgave a debt I had with him as his gift. Which I very much appreciated.

That was what the 6210th day of my life was like.


seventeen and already too old

and I'll never be 16 again.
Ah time goes by too quickly. 



Today has been rather perfect.
Last night was perfect too.
Alex was here and we made little pizzas.

I fell asleep looking at the lovely clouded (is that a word?) sky.
It was a windy night and the clouds kept moving all the time.

I woke him up and we laid in bed for quite a while.
Got up, ate breakfast and played games in bed till around 2.

I was in lund with mom checking out an appartment.
We got back to dalby and ate at one of the pizzerias.
We talked about how amazing it is that we both get to live in sweden.

Now I'm sitting in my bed, the afternoon sun coming in through my window.
Lighting up the white walls and the weird man on the wall.




Someone got her chipped front tooth fixed and now has a better life and pretty nice teeth.
Totally relevant and deep like I usually am.

puss x



So whenever you expect shit to be done, you want it done straight away.
And whenever something is wrong, you blame it on other people. "What did you do sofia?"
You actually think you're right all the time, every single time.
You aren't, you are not.

So be nice and do stuff when people ask you nicely to do it.
Try to fix things yourself and don't fucking blame people for shit they didn't do.
I know you do a lot for me, but for fucks sake no need to be rude.

Thank you very much.


In a life

Things in my mind:
-"I'm eating my kanellbulle far too fast but I dont care if everyone seems to be looking because I'm starving"
-The iced coffees at Coffee Break were a bit disappointing, sticking to espresso house next time
-Envelopes might be a new obsession
-I need to get off the computer and do something productive
-I am not a sexual person at ALL
-My mom is very pretty. Like too gorgeous at times
-"Why must I live in dalby........?"
-I can't wait to see the xx (i think im dying a little inside from absolute happiness and joy and whatever other feeling can fit inside my little heart)
-I can't stop buying things online
-I should sign up for the amnesty conference in stockholm
-My dad should be with me more often and give me nice green tea like he used to
-I love word games and I wish I could play word games at all times
-"Sofia control yourself and stop hating everyone, shut up and don't say anything rude"
-"No need to be mean just cause you're randomly in a bad mood"
-"God you are very very very stubborn, and no, health-care is perfectly fine in sweden"
-I should go see whats for dinner and finish writing that letter

puss puss