in five minutes, the 24 last hours of the year will start.
a year that went incredibly fast will be over in 5 minutes and a day.
and im sitting in my living room with false eyelashes that get stuck to my lower eyelashes,
not really watching that movie on tv with brad pitt.

i donno, i think i quite like these things on my eyes, but i must admit they're rather unconfortable,
i cant quite close my eyes, otherwise they'll get stuck together.

2 minutes left and i'm off to take off these things and maybe watch true blood.

and , i do really wish this new year's eve doesnt suck like last one did. ohhhh the horror.




I've watched true blood all day
I've played stupid games on my phone
I said bye to alex for some days
I got a new dress
I got a yoga mat of my own and its absolutely fantastic (!!!!!!!!!!!)
I like days like these
I should stop escaping my reality a.k.a I should do homework at some point

/s who would post a picture but is looking ugly



i cant possibly do more than nearly hate you at the moment

you are so rude all the time and you do nothing at all

sad fucking loser

loser, yes

i used to look up to you
what have you done with your life?


so goddamned immature and rude

you do nothing good here and its depressing
i dont know how she stands you
i dont know how she lives with it

and it has been like this for a while
you're just a burden 


moderna i malmö

Christmas was nice.
I've drank far too much coffee today.
I wish all my days were like these.
The air is fresher in Dalby.
I get attached to paintings far too easily.
I was at the museum today.
I need to take care of this phone.
Those dreams make me sick.
I wish you and me got along better... what happend to you?
This week has gone by very quickly.
I'm dreading new years.




I donno, gifs are fun. I miss alex, the usual.
I think christmas got here amazingly fast.

I'm glad I'm where I am. And I know this christmas won't crush my little heart like the last one did.



Red Building (2)

I’ve stood still next to this window for nearly 8 hours, looking down into the world, seeing one or two lit lamps by what seems a million windows on the apartment building in front of me. In a couple of hours, everyone will wake up, they’ll walk, eat and breathe. At some point in their lives, they will laugh and they will cry. They will talk, they will smile and they will love.

Everyone will also die.

Everything in everyone’s life keeps going but I stay in the same place. I am an outsider; I stand here and cannot walk, or talk, or love or laugh. Or even cry. It feels as if all I could possibly do is die. Nothing has meaning to me anymore, and I wonder if anything ever did. No one means anything to me either.

I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want to disappear. Worst of all, I don’t seem to know why.



Today I am happy and proud.
That stupid presentation that I have been fearing for months and months is finally over. And it went quite good! Now lets hope for good results and go clean my room because alex is coming over soon.

/puss på er!

Red building

My old pocket-watch says it’s 4.13 in the morning. It’s cold and a couple of snowflakes are falling outside. Typical winter weather, although it really should be colder, it is after all late November.

The sun won’t rise till 8; I still have 4 more hours of dark cloudy sky to glare at. “4.14” my watch says. Damn, my watch has started talking to me; I really need to get some sleep.
But time isn’t time for me anymore, it doesn’t matter what time it is and whether I should go to bed or not.

I look outside my window and see a few cars in the distance. Grey car, black car, nothing. Grey, black, red, silver, nothing. I feel a shiver going from my toes, through my spine and up to my head.



It's christmas in a week
and I'm starting to realize how quick the years are starting to go.
I'll be a swedish citizen in a couple of months meaning that I've lived in Sweden for over 5 years. And 5 years seems like a long time.

I'm working (or trying to) work on a presentation about why the presentation is bad and why I shouldn't do it. It's sort of intresting but I just want holidays. And I want to lay in bed with alex and watch tv and do yoga and not eat meat because yoga is better when you don't eat meat.

Malmö still sort of creeps me out.




The way you stretch backwards and take out your phone and look up something on the internet to prove me wrong.

The way your eyes are the most amazing color I have seen in my life.

The perfect smell of your expensive perfume.

Your perfect shoulders.

That little laugh I love.

Being with you is never, never, ever boring. Not a single time.

How while we were laying on the sofa and I was hugging you, I was thinking how times like these could last forever and still feel like seconds.

The fact that you read this.

There's too many things.

Okay now I need to do that bloody internal !=/&#)%!"(#&!)#!!"!"!"#124


That age when I'm sitting in my brother's messy and smelly room, trying to get school work done on a Friday night. I shouldn't really be listening to music, it's distracting when trying to work.

Somehow, this song by Håkan Hellström made me open up the browser and write this, realizing how happy I actually am. How much I love what I have been given and what I will get later on.

My life is amazing. I live in a country far away from where I was born, but I call this home.
Malmö is exactly a thousand and sixty three kilometres away from where I was born. And it's so perfect.

School is a pain and there's an essay due in a few hours that I'm quite behind with. But I'll do harder things in life, this is nothing in comparison. This thing won't matter to me in a few months.


The past

That first night was probably one of the worst nights of my life. The pain I was feeling was entirely new to me, nothing I had ever experienced before. Nothing could be compared to how I felt that night; not a horrible headache, not the most awful cold, not even an infected wound or a sprained ankle.

That night the pain was in my chest. The pain made it difficult to breathe, I think it was difficult to even swallow. My lungs hurt every time I took any air in them; every breath I took, I was breathing hundreds of tiny nails that would stick to my lungs and hurt me from the inside.

The pain spread from the back of my throat, pressed my breasts into my ribcage and didn't let me breathe. It spread to both my shoulders, my spine and nearly down to my lower back. The nails dug in slowly and painfully into every corner in my body. The deeper I inhaled, the deeper the millions of nails stabbed me.

The tears didn't stop. Everything was him. Everything. My body, my room, my thoughts, my tears, the air I was breathing, the pain I was feeling.

He destroyed me, he hurt me the way no one had ever done before, the way I was expecting to never get hurt. And for months, the pain stayed, specially at night, my head filled entirely by him, with expectations, dreams, illusions and scenarios that never occurred. For months all I wanted was him. Nothing else, no gifts, no hugs, no kisses, no sympathy; just him being mine again.

I want other things nowadays.
I want to see Paris and New York.
I want to see my grandma.
I want to do well in school.
I want to work and earn my own money
I want to read all the books I haven't had the time to read.
I want to do yoga everyday.
And best of all, I don't want you. I already have you.




theres nothing new here
just a bunch of homework and a tired me

i wish i could just yoga all day and eat lussebullar and glögg and lay in bed with alex

im sorry for the horrible blogging


irrelevant pensamientos

Thoughts today:

"I wish this hadn't happened because I miss you and I'm sadly a little jealous".

"Jeeeeesus woman-on-the-bus-who-speaks-spanish-with-another-woman (who does not know I also speak spanish), could you not get more sexist against yourself? Stupid latinoamerican societies".

"I can't stand the way I am sometimes".

"The roof across this window is getting whiter by the hour, as it keeps snowing and snowing".

"Someone should take care of all the ice on the school-yard".

"Her laugh".

"I should look at shoes instead of writing my cas reflections". "What is the point of this?".

"I like his perfume".

"I wonder how he feels after all she's done to him, I wonder how alike we are".

"His voice is so lovely. But he's giving out all his personal information to all the people sitting around him on this train. I mean, now I know that his son has not received a pair of Jordan basketball shoes. And its been 6 weeks. And his name is Ulf. And his son is at school. And his son has an important basketball match tonight. And he bought the shoes at eastbay. And they costed 120 US dollars. And yes, the shipping is international. And yes, Ulf has bought things at eastbay before. Silly Ulf".

"I do not need a cigarette".

"This woman must think I'm following her".

"I miss alex too".

"Why are shoes so expensive?".

"Fuck its 5 to midnight................".



3. En bild på din bästa vän. (A picture of your best friend)


After moving so much, she's probably the friend I have known properly the longest. 5 years soon I think. 

I don't see her very often (she lives in stockholm now), but when we do see each other, it's as if she's been here all along. We never really do much when she's down here in Skåne, we lay in bed, eat candy and watch crappy films ans it's still always so lovely.

There are/were other people too, but I'm starting to lose/I've lost contact with some. I guess it's a little sad, but people change. I miss some of them a lot sometimes. The laughs, the hugs, the talking and the trust. 

I guess it's good Fred is somehow still there.  




This is my third post today. Not something I often do, but I feel like doing this. So, here's my advent calendar for this year (found @ http://milk.freshnet.se/ ) (apart from Mom's chocolate calendar which I got today )- also, since today is the second, I'll post two pictures today. 

1. En bild på dig som du själv tycker om. (A picture of you that you like)
I think Ari took this picture at some party. I don't know, this picture sort of amazes me. I can't tell if I was confused, sad, excited or whatever else I was at that time. I also love the way my hair looks. It looks so strange, somehow floating and at the same time frozen in time. And how I'm grabbing tightly onto my vest and the way my other hand is simply there. I don't know how this picture even happened.

2. En bild på dig hemma. (A picture of you at home)
A picture of me last year I think. This was taken in my room, where I had just put a bunch of things up on the wall. I also remember having bought those socks and the polka tights and wanting to wear them all the time. 
I don't have any pictures of me at our new apartment, so this one had to do. 


colors and the neighbours music

It's snowing outside.

I guess I like it, it makes everything look so bright and white. And I love white.
There is no other shade of white. If it's slightly yellowish, then its light yellow. It's not yellowish white.

If you were to put two drops of pink paint in white paint, it would turn light pink.
But if you put two drops of white in pink paint, it won't turn white. It'll be light pink.
The same goes for blue, green, yellow, purple, orange, red and any other color.

The color black is another story.

I really don't know why I'm writing about paint and colors. I guess I'm trying to ignore the pain in my stomach, the constant back-ache and the stabbing headache.



my head feels like its about to explode
my tummy is probably going to implode any second


back to bed