in five minutes, the 24 last hours of the year will start.
a year that went incredibly fast will be over in 5 minutes and a day.
and im sitting in my living room with false eyelashes that get stuck to my lower eyelashes,
not really watching that movie on tv with brad pitt.

i donno, i think i quite like these things on my eyes, but i must admit they're rather unconfortable,
i cant quite close my eyes, otherwise they'll get stuck together.

2 minutes left and i'm off to take off these things and maybe watch true blood.

and , i do really wish this new year's eve doesnt suck like last one did. ohhhh the horror.




I've watched true blood all day
I've played stupid games on my phone
I said bye to alex for some days
I got a new dress
I got a yoga mat of my own and its absolutely fantastic (!!!!!!!!!!!)
I like days like these
I should stop escaping my reality a.k.a I should do homework at some point

/s who would post a picture but is looking ugly



i cant possibly do more than nearly hate you at the moment

you are so rude all the time and you do nothing at all

sad fucking loser

loser, yes

i used to look up to you
what have you done with your life?


so goddamned immature and rude

you do nothing good here and its depressing
i dont know how she stands you
i dont know how she lives with it

and it has been like this for a while
you're just a burden 


moderna i malmö

Christmas was nice.
I've drank far too much coffee today.
I wish all my days were like these.
The air is fresher in Dalby.
I get attached to paintings far too easily.
I was at the museum today.
I need to take care of this phone.
Those dreams make me sick.
I wish you and me got along better... what happend to you?
This week has gone by very quickly.
I'm dreading new years.




I donno, gifs are fun. I miss alex, the usual.
I think christmas got here amazingly fast.

I'm glad I'm where I am. And I know this christmas won't crush my little heart like the last one did.



Red Building (2)

I’ve stood still next to this window for nearly 8 hours, looking down into the world, seeing one or two lit lamps by what seems a million windows on the apartment building in front of me. In a couple of hours, everyone will wake up, they’ll walk, eat and breathe. At some point in their lives, they will laugh and they will cry. They will talk, they will smile and they will love.

Everyone will also die.

Everything in everyone’s life keeps going but I stay in the same place. I am an outsider; I stand here and cannot walk, or talk, or love or laugh. Or even cry. It feels as if all I could possibly do is die. Nothing has meaning to me anymore, and I wonder if anything ever did. No one means anything to me either.

I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want to disappear. Worst of all, I don’t seem to know why.



Today I am happy and proud.
That stupid presentation that I have been fearing for months and months is finally over. And it went quite good! Now lets hope for good results and go clean my room because alex is coming over soon.

/puss på er!

Red building

My old pocket-watch says it’s 4.13 in the morning. It’s cold and a couple of snowflakes are falling outside. Typical winter weather, although it really should be colder, it is after all late November.

The sun won’t rise till 8; I still have 4 more hours of dark cloudy sky to glare at. “4.14” my watch says. Damn, my watch has started talking to me; I really need to get some sleep.
But time isn’t time for me anymore, it doesn’t matter what time it is and whether I should go to bed or not.

I look outside my window and see a few cars in the distance. Grey car, black car, nothing. Grey, black, red, silver, nothing. I feel a shiver going from my toes, through my spine and up to my head.



It's christmas in a week
and I'm starting to realize how quick the years are starting to go.
I'll be a swedish citizen in a couple of months meaning that I've lived in Sweden for over 5 years. And 5 years seems like a long time.

I'm working (or trying to) work on a presentation about why the presentation is bad and why I shouldn't do it. It's sort of intresting but I just want holidays. And I want to lay in bed with alex and watch tv and do yoga and not eat meat because yoga is better when you don't eat meat.

Malmö still sort of creeps me out.




The way you stretch backwards and take out your phone and look up something on the internet to prove me wrong.

The way your eyes are the most amazing color I have seen in my life.

The perfect smell of your expensive perfume.

Your perfect shoulders.

That little laugh I love.

Being with you is never, never, ever boring. Not a single time.

How while we were laying on the sofa and I was hugging you, I was thinking how times like these could last forever and still feel like seconds.

The fact that you read this.

There's too many things.

Okay now I need to do that bloody internal !=/&#)%!"(#&!)#!!"!"!"#124


That age when I'm sitting in my brother's messy and smelly room, trying to get school work done on a Friday night. I shouldn't really be listening to music, it's distracting when trying to work.

Somehow, this song by Håkan Hellström made me open up the browser and write this, realizing how happy I actually am. How much I love what I have been given and what I will get later on.

My life is amazing. I live in a country far away from where I was born, but I call this home.
Malmö is exactly a thousand and sixty three kilometres away from where I was born. And it's so perfect.

School is a pain and there's an essay due in a few hours that I'm quite behind with. But I'll do harder things in life, this is nothing in comparison. This thing won't matter to me in a few months.


The past

That first night was probably one of the worst nights of my life. The pain I was feeling was entirely new to me, nothing I had ever experienced before. Nothing could be compared to how I felt that night; not a horrible headache, not the most awful cold, not even an infected wound or a sprained ankle.

That night the pain was in my chest. The pain made it difficult to breathe, I think it was difficult to even swallow. My lungs hurt every time I took any air in them; every breath I took, I was breathing hundreds of tiny nails that would stick to my lungs and hurt me from the inside.

The pain spread from the back of my throat, pressed my breasts into my ribcage and didn't let me breathe. It spread to both my shoulders, my spine and nearly down to my lower back. The nails dug in slowly and painfully into every corner in my body. The deeper I inhaled, the deeper the millions of nails stabbed me.

The tears didn't stop. Everything was him. Everything. My body, my room, my thoughts, my tears, the air I was breathing, the pain I was feeling.

He destroyed me, he hurt me the way no one had ever done before, the way I was expecting to never get hurt. And for months, the pain stayed, specially at night, my head filled entirely by him, with expectations, dreams, illusions and scenarios that never occurred. For months all I wanted was him. Nothing else, no gifts, no hugs, no kisses, no sympathy; just him being mine again.

I want other things nowadays.
I want to see Paris and New York.
I want to see my grandma.
I want to do well in school.
I want to work and earn my own money
I want to read all the books I haven't had the time to read.
I want to do yoga everyday.
And best of all, I don't want you. I already have you.




theres nothing new here
just a bunch of homework and a tired me

i wish i could just yoga all day and eat lussebullar and glögg and lay in bed with alex

im sorry for the horrible blogging


irrelevant pensamientos

Thoughts today:

"I wish this hadn't happened because I miss you and I'm sadly a little jealous".

"Jeeeeesus woman-on-the-bus-who-speaks-spanish-with-another-woman (who does not know I also speak spanish), could you not get more sexist against yourself? Stupid latinoamerican societies".

"I can't stand the way I am sometimes".

"The roof across this window is getting whiter by the hour, as it keeps snowing and snowing".

"Someone should take care of all the ice on the school-yard".

"Her laugh".

"I should look at shoes instead of writing my cas reflections". "What is the point of this?".

"I like his perfume".

"I wonder how he feels after all she's done to him, I wonder how alike we are".

"His voice is so lovely. But he's giving out all his personal information to all the people sitting around him on this train. I mean, now I know that his son has not received a pair of Jordan basketball shoes. And its been 6 weeks. And his name is Ulf. And his son is at school. And his son has an important basketball match tonight. And he bought the shoes at eastbay. And they costed 120 US dollars. And yes, the shipping is international. And yes, Ulf has bought things at eastbay before. Silly Ulf".

"I do not need a cigarette".

"This woman must think I'm following her".

"I miss alex too".

"Why are shoes so expensive?".

"Fuck its 5 to midnight................".



3. En bild på din bästa vän. (A picture of your best friend)


After moving so much, she's probably the friend I have known properly the longest. 5 years soon I think. 

I don't see her very often (she lives in stockholm now), but when we do see each other, it's as if she's been here all along. We never really do much when she's down here in Skåne, we lay in bed, eat candy and watch crappy films ans it's still always so lovely.

There are/were other people too, but I'm starting to lose/I've lost contact with some. I guess it's a little sad, but people change. I miss some of them a lot sometimes. The laughs, the hugs, the talking and the trust. 

I guess it's good Fred is somehow still there.  




This is my third post today. Not something I often do, but I feel like doing this. So, here's my advent calendar for this year (found @ http://milk.freshnet.se/ ) (apart from Mom's chocolate calendar which I got today )- also, since today is the second, I'll post two pictures today. 

1. En bild på dig som du själv tycker om. (A picture of you that you like)
I think Ari took this picture at some party. I don't know, this picture sort of amazes me. I can't tell if I was confused, sad, excited or whatever else I was at that time. I also love the way my hair looks. It looks so strange, somehow floating and at the same time frozen in time. And how I'm grabbing tightly onto my vest and the way my other hand is simply there. I don't know how this picture even happened.

2. En bild på dig hemma. (A picture of you at home)
A picture of me last year I think. This was taken in my room, where I had just put a bunch of things up on the wall. I also remember having bought those socks and the polka tights and wanting to wear them all the time. 
I don't have any pictures of me at our new apartment, so this one had to do. 


colors and the neighbours music

It's snowing outside.

I guess I like it, it makes everything look so bright and white. And I love white.
There is no other shade of white. If it's slightly yellowish, then its light yellow. It's not yellowish white.

If you were to put two drops of pink paint in white paint, it would turn light pink.
But if you put two drops of white in pink paint, it won't turn white. It'll be light pink.
The same goes for blue, green, yellow, purple, orange, red and any other color.

The color black is another story.

I really don't know why I'm writing about paint and colors. I guess I'm trying to ignore the pain in my stomach, the constant back-ache and the stabbing headache.



my head feels like its about to explode
my tummy is probably going to implode any second


back to bed


i fought the love

I'm sitting in his living-room.
My arms and feet are cold.
The floor is even colder.

He bends down, takes the little wooden piece that opens the fire place.
He blows in it and sticks a new piece of wood in.


He then came towards me and sat next to me so I quickly closed this window and continued to play that game I like on his computer. It's now 2 or so hours later and I'm sitting in my living room eating chocolates from IKEA and watching a supposedly good film with my brother. My arms and feet are still cold, even here at home.

The last few days have been pretty nice. We walked around göteborg eating cheeseburgers and sharing a strawberry milkshake. We saw the xx and I sang along to every song. And then we ate mcdonalds again. We drank coca-cola in the hotel room and fell asleep quite early. We ate spicy sausages and I tried a french hot-dog for the first time. We stupidly argued about who got to be on the window seat on the bus. I gave it up in the end.

It felt like a weekend, but it's actually only friday tomorrow.


yellow roses


I kept telling myself I need to stop smoking
I made this amazing nutella pizza
I liked you laugh
I was mad at her as usual
I saw some lovely trees in lund
I noticed how I really can't do with out you
I wanted to cry
I didn't hold your hand
I looked in my mailbox to see them same old magazine no one has bothered to take out
I saw mismatched green shoes
I burnt my finger and it's still hurting
I had paint on my nose, chest and all over my hands
I realized I would love to have my hands covered in paint all the time
I am thinking about you
I don't know.


The xx



i need some sympathy
look at me,
i just cant believe
what youve done to me
i could never get free
i just want to be
i just want to be
look at me
i just cant believe
what youve done to be
i could never get free
i just want to be
i just want to dream

we walk together
in the same body

im late for school 



I dreamed that things got worse. And that we were screaming and I was crying but I can't remember about what. I woke up in the night feeling horrible.

My dreams are strange during the winter and I dream a lot more during this season. Fucked up dreams about almost anything.

I hardly ever dream in the summer.



I wish I could write down everything I said or did before I said or did anything. I wish I could erase or delete the wrong words and the careless actions, before I went ahead and said or did them. I think everything would be much better then.

I wish I could control how uncontrolled I am sometimes. How my mouth sometimes keeps going and going, although I want it to stop.

I wish that I had treated you better. I wish I hadn't pushed the limits and ruined both our weekends. I wish I had let you be, but instead I followed you when you clearly needed space.

I think it is because I'm finally completely attached to you. Being with you is probably the nicest part of my days. And I would do anything to be more with you.

So when I realized you didn't want to be here anymore, I panicked. I panicked because I realized I had crossed the limits, I realized that you were avoiding my eyes. I realized your voice was lower and your hand didn't want to be with mine. I realized you weren't saying much, I realized I had treated you like shit.

I'm hurting because I know I hurt you.

Sometimes I don't see what you see in me.



I'm sitting in my moms messy room. Two big windows in front of me.

I'm eating LIDL's naturgodis which are pretty good.

There's a random man in the apartment. He's fixing our doors, so don't worry.

I stayed home from school today too. I think I sort of deserve it, or I'm trying to make myself believe I do.

I'm doing the laundry at the moment too. I don't like the way the basement smells here. 

It's been five months since I kissed him in my brother's apartment. Time goes by quickly.

Now my naturgodis are finished.



i've been watching tv all day

ahhh im tired and theres too many boxes in this house

my head hurts, my eyes hurt

xx in 6 days



im so tired and i dont want to do this
i hate everything and everyone and i want to go to bed right this moment

i need a cigarette too
stress stress stress

stupid useless family

so ive been locked out for about 2 hours

as soon as i got home i contacted both mom and alex and asked whether they could come home from malmö and help me get in

infuckingstead they go to fucking ikea and are still there. ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?
if they were in this situation i would've come back home as soon as fucking possible.

no matter the fucking circumstances at least one of them could've come and gotten me in

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so fucking mad
hate hate hate hate disappointment 

useless family one can have sometimes

edit: nah, i still love them... although it would've been nice to get the keys and not sit on the hard floor waiting for hours såå jaa jaaa ja


letters and writing

Okay I'm really sorry. Posting instagram pictures is totally not okay. But I have nothing else to post. Not even the normal pictures I take with my phone (it's out of battery), and my archive with pictures from my camera is not the best right now.

Mmmm... I've spent quite a lot of time writing a lettter today. And I'm really tired so I don't know whether I should do some work or simply go to bed, read a bit and figure shit out tomorrow. I guess sleeping is probably better so I can stay up during the weekend and do all the work I have to do + move apartments. But maybe I should do work and have a better weekend? I think I like sleep best (Y)

I think I'm too tired to make write (make!?!?) anything that makes sense and isn't ridiculously stupid. 

Good night you xx

mage katsa

My hands feel dirty.
My feet sort of hurt.
My neck is not feeling great either.

I don't know why I just dont get all of it done.
I don't know why I can't be like those kids in class.
I guess I have other interests.

I can't wait to get the keys to our new white apartment.
I can't wait to finally finish all those useless projects and study instead.

I also wonder whether I'm finally over those bad months I had in the beginning of the year.
I'll get back to those thoughts on christmas day, a year after the little world in my head was shattered to pieces.

 Thank god I'm at least on my feet mentally speaking.



I don't know, I felt like I needed to update me eating a digestive.. thinking its healthy when it actually contains  69 calories, and by eating one and a half cookie im eating a 100 calories which is more than an entire cucumber or two big tomatoes.

Anyways 14 days to lovely göteborg=the xx which equals nice 4 star hotel with alex too, which in the end makes me happy to a level that is not even explainable.

/have a lovely evening.



I like to think about the best moments with him, the moments where we do absolutely nothing. When sometimes nothing turns into us falling asleep.
Then I wake up because my hand has been on his cheek for too long and I can't really feel it anymore.
Sometimes nothing turns into stupid tickling fights where I always lose.

I can't imagine the number of hours we have spent in bed, for the past 4 months and a half, doing absolutely nothing. I'd say they've been the best moments.

It's funny how I used to write about him some months before anything happened and now he's entirely mine (half, okay, okay). How I can write about things that have happened when we are together, not simply about things that I used to observe about him. I used to like his shirts, the way his eyes looked when he laughed and how he'd always smell so good. Now I like holding his strong hands and going to espresso house and sitting on the same spot for a couple of hours every time.



surveys and boxes and sushi and socks

why are you all so quiet nowadays?
before i used to get a couple of comments every once in a while and so on and so forth
it'd be nice if i got to hear your anonymous voices again
what have you been thinking about lately?
who have you been thinking about lately?

i have been very very tired this week
school has been alright but my sleeping schedule is fucked up
irrelevant but whatever

im moving to malmö next friday
and tomorrow we're going to ikea to look for new furniture
and to netonnet to buy a new big tv...
new life, new tv, new kitchen, new malmö, new gym... so much new.

i do hope some things stay the same
i hope i can still smoke out of a window every once in a while, without disturbing anyone
wait no thats not true! i dont smoke guys!!

my older brother, mom and myself are sitting in the living room
not really doing much

my mom is tickling me with her feet as she talks to stephan on the phone
"maie, me estas haciendo cosquillas con tus pies" "mmmmmm... ja ja ja"

my older brother has fallen asleep on the couch infront of me
he's sleeping in a weird position
im sure his neck will hurt a lot when he wakes up

there's boxes everywhere and the place looks messy
i miss alexander
why must you go to dåååjueebrooohh?

my feet are on the living room table
they're starting to tingle, little blood is running to them

nearly 20,000 visitors on this cute little page
thanks everyone

i like fridays like this one




I just read a very very very bad excuse to why abortion should not be legal.
NO, abortion is not the same thing as murder. lol what, you cant compare those two.

A little girl who has been raped and is now pregnant at the age of, lets say, fourteen is NOT becoming a murderer by getting an abortion. She's making a choice in her life, she's giving herself a fucking childhood.

You probably think abortion is bad because you're raised in a country where they make you believe it's bad. Now, imagine you got pregnant tomorrow... You wouldn't be able to deal with it; not socially, not mentally and maybe not even physically. So don't complain without putting yourself in that situation. Don't talk as if you are the one who decides whether no one should have the right to have an abortion. Do not.

Yes, having an abortion is a horrible thing to do. It's also an extremely difficult thing to deal with for the woman/girl/child involved, painful at times too. But I think that it's about making the right choice and about what is best for the mother and the unborn child.

And if you're for abortion; great. I don't mind. But please, don't go around pushing your ideas down other people's throats cause they might not think the same way as you do and all your arguments can't possibly be right.

Also, maybe people shouldn't focus so much on whether abortion should be legal or not, but more on educating people about rape, contraceptives and sex at a young age.

/angry s



my omelette is cooking right this second (2 1/2 eggs, a bit of cheese, ham, and some mushrooms+ruccola on top)
this is my second day not in school because i honestly cannot get out of bed
my sleeping got fucked up this weekend, so i guess i needed to recover
w/e hopefully this will be the last day i do that, gotta get myself together

21 days to the xx


moths in trains and water

Theres bread crumbs on my phone and a little message saying limited service.
I've eaten two crackers with avocado and ham for breakfast as well as a glass of minimjölk.
I'm moving to a bigger city next week, a nice apartment with white walls.
Our current place is dirty and messy and I cannot wait to get the fuck out of here.
I think I've cried a lot in this place, felt lonely and didn't sleep at times because of the pain in my chest.
My mom, my dad, my brothers, him, dad's wife, fred... ahh so many people  have made me cry in this house.

The train was packed last night. I had to stand because the train was so full and there was a white moth flying between us, the standing passangers by the doors of the train. I couldn't help but smile at it. Why was there a moth inside the train?

I need to write chaos back a letter.
I need to do all my homework.
I need to watch true blood.
I need to go to the gym and work out.
I need to book our hotel in göteborg.
I need to start putting everything in boxes.
I need to drink more water.

Have a lovely week  xxx


Innocence is not bliss

I wonder what you'll do to make up for it.
I hope you don't sleep tonight either, thinking about how much you've fucked up.
I wish you'd realize how wrong you are.
I wish things were different.
I don't quite know what to think or what to do.
All I know is that it isn't my fault.


see heaven's got a plan for you

its 8.12 in the morning and ive just come back from playing video games till 4 am at filip's place
i dont know i guess i should apologize because my blog is pretty crappy at the moment

im seeing dad later today
i like his voice on the phone
he should've been a radio-guy
then i could listen to his voice all day
or whenever he was on the radio of course



back from stockholm
so that was pretty amazing and lovely and cold


now that i think about it lund feels like home




I have officially finished a book in less than 24 hours. And it wasn't even a short book, I think it was 300 pages or so. It wasn't the greatest book ever and the reading was extremely easy, but I guess it is a book after all.
While I wasn't reading, I was waiting for the moment where I'd go back to it. I also kept thinking that after I finish school I want to sit at home that whole summer and read book after book after book.

Anyways, things in my mind lately:
-I need to send a letter
-I can't wait to get out of here
-I wish I hadn't picked such an annoying school program
-He should not have cut his hair
-I miss dad
-I need to go to the gym
-His eyes




Oh i should've studied instead.



This weekend was absolutely perfectly mind-blowing.
Perfect people, perfect alexander and perfect chocolate pancakes.

I saw a beautiful deer at 2 in the morning and played with little viktor who can now walk.
Ojj and also I just learnt to make gifs on photoshop, so I guess I'll be posting that a lot.

Im off to study for a bit and then to watch the last episode of Torka aldrig tårar utan handskar.



I've been sleeping a lot lately and still been extremely tired.
Dad called today and asked to go for coffee.
And I'm glad we somehow figured things out.

This room smells of soup.
And I'm extreamly thirsty.

I need to write my extended essay-
And I can't wait for the weekend.




Like the stuff in my ensys book about systems. unstable. plop. Falls and cant really return to the previous state.

If I were to only write the first letter to every word, would you get anything? Probably not
D loves m a i l h b. I j n t s h  m often.
W d y h t leave m t. f y i h. t m y a sorry. talk t m. i c w forever.


Church bells

I just realized that my dad isn't really a part of my life.
His voice on the phone was the voice of a stranger I weirdly recognize.
"Oh I miss you guys all the time".
Its your fucking fault that you married some stupid bitch and left me behind.
I dont think I care if you miss us and call up every once in a while.
It was your choice and you messed up.
"I've been trying to reach you." Yeah, no.
One text in a week is not trying to reach me.
Don't ask me to call you back, because I won't. This should have been your responsibility.
I guess I now understand why alex feels like this about you, I guess I was picturing a fairy tale in my head.
The daddy with the money who makes you happy and buys you nice things from time to time.

The fact that I hadn't really thought about you till today for at least a week, makes it all seem pretty clear.
You aren't in my mind any more. You aren't like mom, or like alex, or like jose, who are there at all times, hidden at the back of my head, making me remember them a couple of times a day.

I dont think about you any more. Why? Because you made horrible choices 3 years ago and messed up the part of me that was yours.

Shit. Shit shit shit shit. Fuck, it hurts.


My flowers are dead
My poster fell off a couple of days ago
My hair is dirty
And it actually hurt.

I dont know.



Today was not a very good day. I haven't really had a bad day in a while, the bad times usually come at night when I'm in bed trying to sleep.

I keep getting sick, there's so much school work to do, I don't like our apartment and I need to stop all my bad habits. I need to stop caring about what other people think. I need to be more responsible. Goddamn it




The perfect green eyes, the broad shoulders.
The fact that he sitting in my kitchen, measuring leaves.
The beautiful hands and the honest gaze.
The horrible hand writing, the quiet muttering of random numbers.
The I cant help but smile at you while you're not looking.

I hope you're reading this.





The 7th of October is actually quite a beautiful day. October. Seven.
Just the sound of it makes me happy. Seeing it written, saying it outloud.
And no, it's not simply because it was the day of the year when I celebrate another year of existance.
No, I think the day and the month is just perfect.

I was a bit upset at the beginning, as I usually am. Things get stressful and dad or one of my brothers are usually late to whatever we plan. But then dad came in to the hotel where we decided to have brunch, with lovely yellow roses and a big smile on his face. Two kisses, one on each cheek and then it was all quite okay.

My mom was so beautiful and polite and nice the whole day and her hugs last night at 00.00 were more than enough.

One of my brothers showed up with a cut hand, stitches and still slightly drunk from last nights partying, but he was still lovely and gave me a lovely card and a subscription to an amazing mazagine.
The other brother woke up early and actually got nicely dressed and forgave a debt I had with him as his gift. Which I very much appreciated.

That was what the 6210th day of my life was like.


seventeen and already too old

and I'll never be 16 again.
Ah time goes by too quickly. 



Today has been rather perfect.
Last night was perfect too.
Alex was here and we made little pizzas.

I fell asleep looking at the lovely clouded (is that a word?) sky.
It was a windy night and the clouds kept moving all the time.

I woke him up and we laid in bed for quite a while.
Got up, ate breakfast and played games in bed till around 2.

I was in lund with mom checking out an appartment.
We got back to dalby and ate at one of the pizzerias.
We talked about how amazing it is that we both get to live in sweden.

Now I'm sitting in my bed, the afternoon sun coming in through my window.
Lighting up the white walls and the weird man on the wall.