segundo

This is my third post today. Not something I often do, but I feel like doing this. So, here's my advent calendar for this year (found @ http://milk.freshnet.se/ ) (apart from Mom's chocolate calendar which I got today )- also, since today is the second, I'll post two pictures today. 

1. En bild på dig som du själv tycker om. (A picture of you that you like)
I think Ari took this picture at some party. I don't know, this picture sort of amazes me. I can't tell if I was confused, sad, excited or whatever else I was at that time. I also love the way my hair looks. It looks so strange, somehow floating and at the same time frozen in time. And how I'm grabbing tightly onto my vest and the way my other hand is simply there. I don't know how this picture even happened.

2. En bild på dig hemma. (A picture of you at home)
A picture of me last year I think. This was taken in my room, where I had just put a bunch of things up on the wall. I also remember having bought those socks and the polka tights and wanting to wear them all the time. 
I don't have any pictures of me at our new apartment, so this one had to do. 



/s

colors and the neighbours music

It's snowing outside.


I guess I like it, it makes everything look so bright and white. And I love white.
There is no other shade of white. If it's slightly yellowish, then its light yellow. It's not yellowish white.

If you were to put two drops of pink paint in white paint, it would turn light pink.
But if you put two drops of white in pink paint, it won't turn white. It'll be light pink.
The same goes for blue, green, yellow, purple, orange, red and any other color.

The color black is another story.


I really don't know why I'm writing about paint and colors. I guess I'm trying to ignore the pain in my stomach, the constant back-ache and the stabbing headache.


/s

sick
my head feels like its about to explode
my tummy is probably going to implode any second

shivers
shivers



back to bed

i fought the love

I'm sitting in his living-room.
My arms and feet are cold.
The floor is even colder.

He bends down, takes the little wooden piece that opens the fire place.
He blows in it and sticks a new piece of wood in.



---------------------




He then came towards me and sat next to me so I quickly closed this window and continued to play that game I like on his computer. It's now 2 or so hours later and I'm sitting in my living room eating chocolates from IKEA and watching a supposedly good film with my brother. My arms and feet are still cold, even here at home.

The last few days have been pretty nice. We walked around göteborg eating cheeseburgers and sharing a strawberry milkshake. We saw the xx and I sang along to every song. And then we ate mcdonalds again. We drank coca-cola in the hotel room and fell asleep quite early. We ate spicy sausages and I tried a french hot-dog for the first time. We stupidly argued about who got to be on the window seat on the bus. I gave it up in the end.

It felt like a weekend, but it's actually only friday tomorrow.

yellow roses

Today,

I kept telling myself I need to stop smoking
I made this amazing nutella pizza
I liked you laugh
I was mad at her as usual
I saw some lovely trees in lund
I noticed how I really can't do with out you
I wanted to cry
I didn't hold your hand
I looked in my mailbox to see them same old magazine no one has bothered to take out
I saw mismatched green shoes
I burnt my finger and it's still hurting
I had paint on my nose, chest and all over my hands
I realized I would love to have my hands covered in paint all the time
I am thinking about you
I don't know.


Tomorrow,

The xx


/s

lazer

i need some sympathy
look at me,
i just cant believe
what youve done to me
i could never get free
i just want to be
i just want to be
look at me
i just cant believe
what youve done to be
i could never get free
i just want to be
i just want to dream

we walk together
in the same body





im late for school 

dreams

I dreamed that things got worse. And that we were screaming and I was crying but I can't remember about what. I woke up in the night feeling horrible.

My dreams are strange during the winter and I dream a lot more during this season. Fucked up dreams about almost anything.

I hardly ever dream in the summer.

Waiting

I wish I could write down everything I said or did before I said or did anything. I wish I could erase or delete the wrong words and the careless actions, before I went ahead and said or did them. I think everything would be much better then.

I wish I could control how uncontrolled I am sometimes. How my mouth sometimes keeps going and going, although I want it to stop.

I wish that I had treated you better. I wish I hadn't pushed the limits and ruined both our weekends. I wish I had let you be, but instead I followed you when you clearly needed space.

I think it is because I'm finally completely attached to you. Being with you is probably the nicest part of my days. And I would do anything to be more with you.

So when I realized you didn't want to be here anymore, I panicked. I panicked because I realized I had crossed the limits, I realized that you were avoiding my eyes. I realized your voice was lower and your hand didn't want to be with mine. I realized you weren't saying much, I realized I had treated you like shit.

I'm hurting because I know I hurt you.




Sometimes I don't see what you see in me.

naturgodis

I'm sitting in my moms messy room. Two big windows in front of me.

I'm eating LIDL's naturgodis which are pretty good.

There's a random man in the apartment. He's fixing our doors, so don't worry.

I stayed home from school today too. I think I sort of deserve it, or I'm trying to make myself believe I do.

I'm doing the laundry at the moment too. I don't like the way the basement smells here. 

It's been five months since I kissed him in my brother's apartment. Time goes by quickly.

Now my naturgodis are finished.

l8er 

/s

i've been watching tv all day

ahhh im tired and theres too many boxes in this house

my head hurts, my eyes hurt


xx in 6 days