Note: I wrote all this back in february, I don't know why I saved it as a draft and never posted it. Here it is if you're bothered to read the whole thing.
Most of you usually just read what I post, or look at the pictures I take, and every once in a while someone drops a comment, which I very much appreciate.
Last night, after coming back from a lovely dinner with a friend, I started thinking about a couple of things me and her had discussed. I started writing down some simple thoughts and in the end I ended up writing a very very long list.
Today, I received a comment from one of you saying something about how I want to grow up too fast. Stupid me (like usual), deleted the comment by mistake while I was trying to write a reply to it. And there's no way to get it back.
Now I don't even remember exactly what it said. Sigh.
I hope whoever wrote the comment is reading this. I'm sorry, I didn't delete it for the sake of it, I was quite keen on answering it, so I guess that's why I'm writing this in the first place.
Since, I very much feel like writing, I think I will try to explain why exactly I might seem like I want to grow up too fast and somehow give an answer to the anonymous reader.
I usually tend to compare people I meet with myself. I compare their experiences, their everyday lives, their group of friends and their families. I don't really know why I do this, but I guess I do it unconsciously and then think about it later on.
I don't really think of myself as normal. I think I've been through a lot compared to the common European 16-year-old: Let's say that the past 8 years of my life have been rather chaotic and extremely difficult in one way or another.
I've lived in 4 different countries, where I had to learn 3 different languages, experience 4 different types of cultures and still manage to stay mentally stable.
I guess it was easier when I was younger, my parents did all the work, but it got harder as I got older.
I've had to say good-bye to 3 different generations of friends.
Sometimes I remember their faces or their names, but not much more, and it sucks, because many of them are probably amazing people right now.
I had to learn Portuguese when I was 8 (which I now can only understand) and English when I was 12.
I remember begging my mom to move back to Mexico or Spain, because learning English was far too difficult.
I remember sitting down with dad and taking 20 or so minutes to read two pages in English.
I remember sitting for hours trying to learn the vocabulary for a test in English, crying and telling mom that I just couldn't do it and wanted to leave Sweden.
I remember not understanding a single thing people would say to me.
Now, imagine this happening to you two times in less than 4 years? I haven't actually thought about it, but it really was that way.
I guess it was less difficult in Spain, where I at least spoke the language. I was still introduced to a whole new culture, which I sadly only got to experience for 2 years. I miss it so unbelievably much sometimes.
My parents started having problems in Brazil, I think. Mom had never really liked the idea of moving around and wanted to go back to Mexico. I don't think I noticed their problems back then though, I was probably too little to understand anything.
Later on, I did start to understand that things weren't going too well.
One night, while we were living in Madrid, I was woken up by both my brothers crying. I remember lying in bed, not knowing what to do and trying to listen to what was going on. I think it was around 12 or so, on a Saturday night. I finally got up and went to the living room where my parents and my brothers were sitting. My mom was in tears and my brothers too. I didn't know what was going on and I sat on the couch to hear what my parents had to say.
I remember how me and my brothers just couldn't take the fact that my parents wanted to separate. My brothers were so mad and both my parents were in tears, saying how sorry they were and how much they loved us.I think that's a night I'll never forget.
Shortly after that, dad moved out and started living on his own.
My parents were on and off for a couple of years. Things were okay sometimes, and dad would live with us when things got better. Things were good enough between my parents, so that we all moved together to Sweden in 2008.
I think living here has probably been the hardest. I've had more than enough and I think my life has changed far too much in too many different ways in too little time.
I felt very alone sometimes. Empty inside.
My dad is now remarried to someone I really dislike and I have a little step-brother who I'm not allowed to hold.
In Sweden, I've moved houses about 6 or so times and right now I'm living in a place that I don't quite like.
There's a shit load of issues in between that are far too personal to mention, and involve people other than me. There's so many things I wish I could share, so I could finally feel a little better, so people could tell me it would be alright.
I think I've cried far too much to be this young and I often feel jealous of people because their lives seem so much better, so much easier and so much simpler. But then sometimes I hate people because their lives have been too easy, too good and too simple. I think I feel this way about most Swedish teenagers.
There are definitely many many people out there who have had a much tougher life than me. Those are the people I want to meet and socialize with. People who can teach me and show me how to be better. People who I can gain things from.
After all this, it is very difficult for me to say what I want in life. I am so grateful for all the amazing experiences that I have been through, that have made me grow up so much as a person. But it all makes me so confused.
Fuck it I don't even know why I wrote this, there's too many ways to look at things...Too many different life styles that could've been mine. Too many life styles that I could make mine in the next couple of years.
I guess, anonymous reader, maybe now you understand a little bit more about me. Maybe now you understand why I want certain things and why I hate others. Why "I want to grow up so quickly". Why I very much feel like I've had enough.
AHHHHHHHHH damn it, I'm so confused now. I don't even know what to write anymore. The thoughts in my head go in every possible direction. I would erase all this, but I've been going at it for a while and it would probably be a waste of time not to post it. Whatever, I don't expect anyone to read all of this, it's mostly for myself.
I hope you all don't think I'm some sort of stuck up bitch who thinks she's had a horrible life, because I haven't. It's been amazing, it's just hard not comparing it to other people's lives and writing shit down about it.
ksdfnksdfnksdaf I should stop writing, I make no sense. Sorry. This was a bad idea.
/s
