lets grow old together and die at the same time

Skipped my first class cause I have a massive lab report to write.
Still not even 10% done. Fantastic me! And its due tonight... Oh well.

I keep dreaming very strange things, but I still haven't gotten around to buying a notepad to write my dreams down (Will do that today though).
I keep losing clothes (Will try to find them though).
I keep thinking about you (Will at some point stop though).
I keep telling myself "I'll start tomorrow" (Will actually start tomorrow though).


Wolalalalalala, see you later xxxx

sunday morning

This week has been okay.
I don't care if I didn't do much, I managed to forget school completely and I absolutely loved it.
But today's sunday and there's school tomorrow.
I have a shit load to do, but I'm sitting here, wondering if I will actually do it.
Whatever, I'll have something nice for breakfast and figure out where to start first.

Have a lovely sunday.

thoughts

I want to quit high-school
I want to live in my own apartment
I hate people who speak too loud
I need a cigarette box
I want to wear shorts and have tanned legs
I can't wait for flee-market season
I hate school
I wish I could stay home alone every friday/saturday/sunday with my own thoughts
I hate all my stupid and pointless classes
I want to drink coffee and eat toast while I listen to music on a gramophone
I hate people my age
I like the sun
I very commonly want to hold hands with strangers
I love smiling at bus-drivers and saying good morning
I hate how I don't drink enough tea
I want to become a university student
I wish I could speak Hungerian
I sometimes feel that my mind is not the right one for my body
I wonder if humans actually have souls
I need some cigarettes
I wish my dad wasn't so stressed out all the times
I want to live in Budapest
I think humans are probably the dumbest living organisms out there
I can't stand the smell of deodorant and sweat
I should study more
I hate studying
I act stupid sometimes for no apparent reason
I should get a better personality
I think my mother is very strange sometimes
I want stability in my life
I should stop complaining
I sometimes have the need to destroy things
I want to go to Madrid, eat "bocatas" and walk around El Prado for hours and hours
I would love to see my Grandmother and my favorite aunt again
I dislike things in people quite easily
I should drink more wine
I wish I could wake up next to someone I love again
I don't like my face
I want to hold my baby-step-brother in my arms
I want to sit outside and draw weird shit
I need to kiss a new boy
I should start reading again
I once sat on a bus filled with people and wondered why exactly I was even alive
I have to spend less money on food
I can't stop dreaming about them
I wish I lived 20 years or so ago
I hope I die before my family does
I could not live without my parents or brothers being part of my everyday life
I have been dreaming very vividly the past few nights
I love writing down things about strangers I see around
I like boys who wear hats
I miss holding hands with someone
I want to talk to intelligent adults about intelligent and amusing things
I get called pretty too often by older men
I miss my parents being together
I hate living in this country sometimes
I wish I had a normal life
I miss having a best friend
I feel alone at times
I want to walk around in the streets of Campinas again
I hate the Internet and how I could be a much better person if it didn't exist
I like mozzarella
I very much dislike people who don't know when to stop talking
I should be more creative
I need money
I want to travel to Stockholm and sit on a train for 6 hours
I am scared of growing old and becoming a boring human being
I love my brothers so amazingly much
I hate far too many people that I've never properly met before
I should learn Portuguese again
I should go to bed now

Good night x

superlative conspiracy

I've gotten quite a couple of new things from both mom and dad these past few days. A lot of WeSC from dad, which I'm quite happy about. I'm not usually a brand-person, but I think I'm slowly falling for WeSC's clothing+design. Everything's always so comfy and of very very good quality, although not usually the type of clothes I wear.... But watevs.

Sorry if I've been blogging terribly, I guess there isn't too much to write about and such. Also I've been focusing a little bit more on my tumblr. Check it out here

bye homies

coffee and bon iver

Woke up at exactly 5.20 this morning.
Forced myself out of bed and got on the bus to the city at 6.00
Waited for dad to pick me up in town and do yoga.
"Shit, I'm so sorry, I over-slept". "Yeah okay whatever bye".

07.35
I've just finished my coffee
And I'm sitting here
On a massive white bed, light coming in through the window
"I swim across lake Michigan"
I feel tired
But this bed is far too big
To rest, to sleep, to dream
I need someone else here with me
07.42
Skinny love
Why do I listen to songs that make me think of you?
"I told you to be patient,
I told you to be fine,
I told you to balanced,
I told you to be kind"
"Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?"



/s

Wait i need to get my vodka

Friday was filled with surprises.

Started off the day with a wonderful brunch with lovely people.
Went back home and played manly videogames.

At around 6 or so o'clock, I was told my mom was in the hospital.
I tried to not freak out and ended up at a friends house.

At around 8, my older brother texted me saying she had been given bloody morphine.
At my friends, I drank beer and tried to relax. "She'll be fine"

"Wait, I need to get my vodka"
Danced a little, smoked a little and met new people.

"Mom's not in pain anymore, but they still don't know what she has"
At 11 or so I found out the guy had a girlfriend.
I left.

Today, I've wasted my day.
The house has been empty since I left last night so I've spent the day alone.
I can't leave either to go see mom.

The rest of the day:
Take a shower and put on proper clothes.
Cook myself some lunch.
 Dad will pick me up and then I will finally see my wonderful mother.

/s

i am the rain

I have been in my pajamas for 3 days now.
Sitting at home, waiting for this goddamn cold to go away.

The past few days have been so boring that I can't write anything about anything.
All I've been doing is sleeping, reading children's books (roald dalh ofc ofc), making myself food, playing some video games and watching some lame tv shows.

Fuck the world I want to get out of the house already.

But that's not happening, so I call a big-bang theory marathon till I cannot keep my eyes open and fall into the scary world of sleep.


See you around x

Oscar from Spain

His name was Oscar. He was a short 9-year-old boy, with light eyes, maybe blue or hazel, I'm not quite sure, light brown hair and olive skin.

I remember meeting him at a park that my dad used to take me to over the summer of 2006.  I don't quite remember what Oscar's personality was like but I liked him from the very beginning, or at least that's what 9-year-old me thought after playing in the park with him for a few hours.

I only met him once that summer, but to my surprise he joined my school that autumn and little me fell in love with Oscar. I think I remember lying in bed at night and thinking about him. Sweet thoughts about how we would end up married and how lovely it all would be. I cannot explain how much I liked him, maybe I even liked him so much to the point where I actually loved him, maybe this was the first time I fell in love.

On valentine's day 2007, my heart nearly jumped out of my chest when I got a card from him. I remember it  was pink and had a heart badly drawn on the cover. On the inside, there was a horrible drawing of me with a few sentences about how great I was and how much he liked me.

You can probably imagine how happy I was, so happy that as soon as I got home, I put up the card on my wall with a bunch of tape. It stood there for months and months, and for nights I would lay in bed and fall asleep thinking about him, feeling butterflies inside of me every time I opened up the card and saw "From Oscar" written in his horrible hand-writing.

Some months later I found out he liked another girl. I don't know what happened to the card.

/s

you stupid fuck why in the world are you so dumb

FUCK
I feel like my respiratory system is about to explode.
Okay fine, maybe I'm exaggerating but goddamn it I hate having colds.

I'm confused
I don't know what to do
I'm stupid
I've been writing b.i.g. lyrics on tables
I need to chill the fuck down
I shouldn't wait out in the cold while it's snowing for two hours
I need to wash my hair because it reeks of cigarettes and perfume
I don't want to fuck anything up
I need to study psychology
I just want to go back in time

c ya l8tr xoxox

home, yes i am home, home i where i'm alone with you

Jesus christ what a night.
We spent I don't know how long waiting for buses, I don't know how long on buses/trains that reeked of puke and I don't know how long freezing to death outside.
Fun night anyways, good DJ and lovely girl-friends. Met tons and tons of new people, but no real names were given, so there's no possible way to find all those people again. It's quite nice actually. No names, no shames.

Now I'm dead and all I want is to lay in bed and watch the office. but nooooooo dad just came over and he's like "hey lets do some hard core exercise by moving furniture around cause we're complete retards". "great dad".

Enjoy your sunday xx

can you take care of this?

Ah, shitty blog.

Off to the gym,
ciao bella x

i spent my time watching the spaces that have grown between us

Ah today was simply far too long, too boring and too tiring. I've been spending quite a bit of time at the gym to get my mind off things, but today I was just too tired. I've been showering all the time cause I feel as if long, warm showers will finally take all the pain away. I've been writing lyrics on my hands cause otherwise I can't get them out of my head. I've been missing those times. I've been listening a lot to the xx and Kasabian. I've been loud and obnoxious at school, even if inside I feel like I just wanna curl up and never say a word again. I've been eating celery to not binge on those cookies over there. I've been cold. I've been excited about Hultsfred.

That's basically how I've been and what I've been doing.
How have you been?

adeu x

oh mother oh mother

My brother Alex turned 20 on Tuesday, we went bowling.

My beautiful mother and my brother Pepe making a face.

Ate dinner after bowling

Got bored in business&management 

Empty cafeteria at Katte

Woke up early today and did some healty cross training

And spent most of the day at dad's talking, drinking tea and eating pasta.

This weekend was quite relaxed, spent a lot of time with my lovely dad and exercised a whole lot.

The only down-side was coming home to a mother who doesn't believe what you tell her, even if she's the person you trust most in this world, the only person who you would tell anything to. Mom, believe me, I don't keep secrets from you. I love how much I can trust you, how you're the only person in the world who knows everything. I wouldn't give this up for anything in the world.

Reader, I hope you and your mother have the same relationship me and mom do. If there's a big secret you'd like her to know, tell her. The feeling is unbelievable. 

hultsfred and gifs

I've been entertaining myself by making gifs, doing yoga, running and drawing. It's all going quite well, I'm starting to get the hang of detesting myself and so I do things to keep me distracted. I've also started putting up a few things here and there at my school, which is rather exciting. Maybe later on I'll show you exactly what I'm putting up.

But even if I try to distract myself, I do have moments in the day where I just wonder how things would be if nothing had changed. Would they be better? Would I be happier? Sadly the answer is: probably.

good night x

OH i forget. My friends and I are going to Hultsfredfestivalen. Munford and Sons, Justice, The xx, James Blake, The Kooks, Kasabian, Noah and the Whale, The cure and loads will be there. I can't wait for the summer.